Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Archive for February, 2013

Me

I am good enough.  

 

Sometimes I am a person of few words.  I keep things simple and say what I mean.  Sometimes I get complicated, convoluted, analytical, obsessive.

Vulnerability in relationship

I want to have someone in my life who we both respect one another’s vulnerabilities and anxieties and insecurities and we comfort one another, and where we also know one another’s strengths and share mutual respect and building the other up.

 

do not turn me away in my moments of weakness please.  

Separation

In this waiting room

In this cubicle

Walking down a deserted street

Floating in a black lake
Wondering if I drifted out too far
If I am caught in a rip current
That will keep me from getting back to shore.
My candle flickers
I cup my hands around it
To cover it,
Protect it from the southern winds
Focus intently on it
To keep the darkness from swallowing me.
The light came through cracks in the door
Through the dusty window
I keep my eyes on it
Training them not to waver.
But the light is on the other side
And the cracks are closing around themselves
The dust is growing thicker
The only way out is through they say
The only way out is through
Open the door, wide
Break the window glass
So no obstruction stands in between.
Nikki Ian

To Be Known And Intimacy And Integralness Etc.

What I realize I want on a deep level.  To have someone really know and accept me on a deep level, light and dark, wholeness… To just be truly known, and cared for…to be understood to the extent possible, I know people can’t understand others perfectly, and certainly not at all times…to have someone engage with me on an intimate and also a sensual/ sexual level in a way that I need…lol, which I will not go into here In any detail.

Broken And Strong

Sometimes it’s the places that you break that are your points of strength

The Kind Of OCD I Have

A lot of my OCD is mental obsessions, and compulsive thinking about them, mental “checking” on my ideas about myself and relationships, and, relationship obsessions and compulsions of needing reassurance that I am cared for.

but yes I also have behavioral rituals too, which I had REALLY bad at certain points, not so bad right now.  I have magical thinking, where the intrusive thoughts tell me someone will die or suffer if I do not do a ritual to protect them, my responsibility.  A lot of this is little repetitive things, number related things, and just following the OCD’s dictates.  I had a breakdown over this in 2008.

I have barely talked to my father for twenty years

since I was eighteen (I’m thirty eight now) I think I have seen my father once, and talked to him on the phone only a handful more times than that. I don’t have many emotions, about it, I am not sure why or what that means, if I’ve repressed them or if I just don’t have them. I do have severe abandonment issues though with men who I develop romantic or intense attachments to.

Abandonment

The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.

Trying to navigate duality in myself

I have this duality in me I am trying to understand, explore, resolve.  I guess many of us do.  This is a big thing for me right now…integration…

Three Kinds Of Breaking, Boundaries (possible trigger warning, not sure)

Ok a couple of years ago I told a friend that I had come up with a theory of breaking…three types of breaking…

1) negative breaking… That is someone sets out to destroy you, to abuse you, to crucify you.

2) positive breaking… Someone breaks your walls down and opens you up, so you can feel again, so you can melt and dissolve and truly touch another person inside

3) borderline breaking… This is the razor’s edge between positive and negative, which is a dangerous but magical domain.  This combines elements of both positive and negative, and it can be unclear whether this is “bad” or “good.” One can have very mixed feelings and this is the edge, the place where you are taken to a level you may be afraid of yet long for, or where you may hate someone for doing to you yet it may be the best thing anyone ever did to you, in one sense.  

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