Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Archive for June, 2013

Reflections On BDSM, Submission, Who I Am And Am Not, Love, Etc. Just Sorting Through Some Stuff Here

I wonder about some things.  For example, the submissive aspect of me, what that entails for me.  I know I want to love and be loved, and to be understood, cared for, comforted when needed, reassured, shared with, depth, closeness, intimacy…and for me and the other person to be able to break through walls of the other person to be vulnerable and to feel.  But they’re is the submissive side, what exactly does that entail? Is that a fantasy to have someone who can at times (not always) take control, guide and lead me, physically and emotionally? Is it the “sensual domination” and wanting to be held down and restrained? Is it a desire to have someone who knows me well enough to break my defenses down and have me be vulnerable with them? 

 

Some people are in twenty four seven dominant/sub relationships where that is an integral aspect of the bond and is always present…I guess it’s a bond of trust and for the submissive, being able to submit yourself, totally trust and be open with someone, give yourself to them, and have someone know you that we’ll and care for you to the extent that you open yourself up in a way you wouldn’t with anyone else.  And for the dominant having someone trust you that totally, let you inside their walls, devote themselves and give themselves over…   Those aspects I can understand and relate to…

 

i think i am a little confused as to whether the twenty four seven dynamic would be right for me or not.  I kind of think it wouldn’t be because I don’t know that I could give up that much control and put myself at the mercy of another to that extent…and I know one thing, I’d have to hold onto myself and my own sense of strength from within…whether or not I could do that in a twenty four seven D/S relationship, I am confused about, and don’t know enough about “The lifestyle”… Or my own tolerance and limits.  I know one thing though, to submit to someone like that I’d have to really have a strong sense of connection, love, and trust, and that I would still be intact, and be able to become more of who I am, not less…

 

 

one day at a time…I’m not sure the answers right now.  

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Reblogging: End The Stigma: Prejudice Still Punishing The Mentally Ill

End The Stigma: Prejudice Still Punishing The Mentally Ill.

Wonderwall (reblog, not my writing…)

Wonderwall.

Quote

“The resting pl…

“The resting place of the mind is the heart.
The only thing the mind hears all day is clanging bells
and noise and argument, and all it wants is quietude.
The only place the mind will ever find peace
is inside the silence of the heart.
That’s where you need to go.”
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I forgot to add a Trigger Warning for my story, it talks about some deep issues and bad experiences, though not in any kin

Wanting To Be Found (short story)

She had always been a sensitive person, and when people mistreated her, which happened often, it felt as if she was being torn apart, crushed, and that she became nothing.  The fragile tendrils attempting to reach out for sunlight, her desires for affection, respect, and connection with her fellow humans, were constantly thwarted.  People made fun of her for who she was, judged her and found her lacking, used her and exploited her, and rejected her when she developed a longing for someone.  So, as she grew into an adult after a lifetime of this, having it constantly drilled into her head that there was something wrong with her and that she did not deserve what she wanted and needed most of all, she slowly built a shell to hide inside.  To keep the world, and life itself, from touching her.  It was a hard shell, she blocked the vulnerability that she had been taught to fear.  For a time, it felt like a solution.  She  felt secure in there, calm and impenetrable, not hurtable.  

 

But before long this security turned to oppression, she felt disconnected from the only thing that made her feel alive, that she desired most of all, because deep down she felt that it wasn’t safe to want it.  She felt buried alive, and her obsession became obtaining freedom, at any cost.  

 

All she wanted any more was for the shell to break, to shatter, to be rescued and truly touched, Inside, again.  

I Want Pain (trigger warning! References to depression and thoughts of Self Injury

Right now I would like the pain of another tattoo. Burning, cutting, breaking through.  i am fantasizing about smacking a cut down my arm, and seeing the bright red blood.  No I’m not in the habit of doing this.  But at times like these it is a nice fantasy.  Why? To release the fucking  rage at this life, the frustration, the hurt, because I want an outlet for this emotion, and the stress, the anger, that has no fucking other outlet.  Because I want to take this anger out somewhere, I am so sick of life’s games, and there is nowhere for me to get it out. denial, denial, denial, that is what life seems to like to offer me.  What am I doing in this world? Don’t tell me I’m here to learn, and that its all for my good. 

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