There is love…being embraced, understood, cared for, known, and doing so in turn..
-There is being comforted. There is wanting someone to see your pain, and, wanting your pain to make them pull closer to you…to soothe the pain and soothe you. To heal you, and to take you, and, take care of you inside. To want to get as close to you as possible and melt you inside, and kiss the pain away, and to take control in a sense, during that.
-There is also wanting them to have the control at times over you where they can spank you, punish you, make you vulnerable in that sense…bring out your tears and break you down to an extent. But… at the same time where you feel safe and cared for during that and know that they wouldn’t take inflicting pain or punishment too far or purposely TRULY hurt you. And that they are there for you, and want you, and will not leave you …and will hold you afterwards, and comfort you.
Break Me Open
I wait here for the doors to open
I welcome the release
The crack in the wall is my freedom
Smashing of boundaries
Wide open spaces
Where artificial fixtures
Finally no longer stand.
Smashes the house
And the gates fall
The structure crumbles
And my world appears intact,
So blast it open.
Tear me apart
Because my world is not real,
Is not real!
So I can live.
Hold me down,
So I can be safe,
And not float away.
Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:
Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.
I dream of him, the one I haven’t met yet, the one I kept looking for. Opening me, reaching inside, loving me, soothing me, protecting me, knowing me. And allowing me to do the same for him, learning together how to take down the walls. Breaking me at times, bringing my tears to the surface, holding me in his arms.
Some people like to sit in judgement, and claim how much worse their problems are than yours. There are all different degrees of suffering. I’m sure there is always something worse, even thean yours. Does that make your problems “nothing?” These people have a lot of gall and can go f themselves. When they accuse you of whining and complaining and how their suffering is real and yours isn’t. Not to mention when they have complained about similar things before too.
Such people, if all they can do is sit there and judge and hate, have no place in my vicinity. They say they want to be left alone, more than happy to do it for ya. Maybe I felt connected to them before, but they have changed that with their invalidations. No love lost, no love found, as the Eminem and Lil Wayne song says.
If someone was to be mean to me, and genuinely wanted to reach out again and apologize, I would open my heart enough for them, in many cases. But if not than I have no interest in doing so either, and they can go live in hate of me, far away from me.
I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.
“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down
It sometimes seems like a bullshit world and I’ve had it with being a human in this world.