Do people in this world give a shit? Are people in this world capable of seeing and accepting who I am? Do people just expect me to hide or to disappear? Do people like me for select parts of me? Why do people only want to see pictures of me smiling? Do people expect me to conform to their ideas about beauty or social acceptability? These things make me really angry and sick of this world at times, when it feels like that. How dare they try to destroy me or put me in their boxes. Sometimes I get sick of this world. Sometimes I get sick of my mind. Sometimes I get sick of endless hurt and disappointment.
Barely anyone out there cares what I have to share or who I am. That’s fine. If so you keep your distance from me and I’ll keep my distance from you.
Some of you may think I should be embarrassed about posting what I post here. A part of me is. But you know what? Embarrassment, screw it. Because my purpose is to express my self and my heart, mind and soul. To be who I am and communicate to those who would hear. so screw embarrassment, and, screw shame.
I will reclaim who I am, I will not let the frustrations of life and the world take away what is real for me and what is important. I don’t give a shit. For the stupidity, or, the misunderstanding. So try to invalidate me. Come on.
I want you to kiss me, lick me, taste me. Open me, gently but persuasively, so I can’t resist. Opening me so I melt and succumb and can’t take it anymore, so I am overwhelmed with your love, tenderness, healing me, reaching into me, taking me to places I’ve always dreamed about. Break down my defenses, in the most loving way possible. Take me and take me over…
I am doing a personal study of J.R.R. Tolkien’s world of Middle Earth through The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the appendixes, and The Silmarillion…it provokes a lot of deep thought in me…I want to be able to discuss more about what’s going on in my head soon. One thing I want to say is that it seems to be a story of the “breaking of the world” (a phrase I got from him) and the struggle to find whole ness and redemption. That is an oversimplification but a lot of it has to do with healing of what has been broken basically, and how it broke and where things came from, and hope and renewal out of destruction and primal fear and despair, and the roots of that hope and renewal and it’s being reawoken.
There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.
At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.
Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.
It flows through me like lava, burning my soul
It makes me want to shake and lose all control
Sometimes it breaks me, sometimes it makes me feel whole
It makes me live, when life has taken its toll
It wants what it wants but disappears at a whim
It teases and taunts and sometimes fills to the brim
To be there with it I have to go out on a limb
The way to contact it leads through the within
I write and talk to you and ask you to stay
I don’t want to bother you but I have so much to say
The cracks in the walls come out when we play
You know I’ll be there with you, come what may.