Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Archive for September, 2013

Disappear (Trigger Warning)

Do people in this world give a shit? Are people in this world capable of seeing and accepting who I am? Do people just expect me to hide or to disappear? Do people like me for select parts of me? Why do people only want to see pictures of me smiling? Do people expect me to conform to their ideas about beauty or social acceptability? These things make me really angry and sick of this world at times, when it feels like that. How dare they try to destroy me or put me in their boxes. Sometimes I get sick of this world. Sometimes I get sick of my mind. Sometimes I get sick of endless hurt and disappointment.

Barely anyone out there cares what I have to share or who I am. That’s fine. If so you keep your distance from me and I’ll keep my distance from you.

Screw Embarrassment, I Have A Reason For Sharing What I Share, But If It Bothers You Please Don’t Read It.

Some of you may think I should be embarrassed about posting what I post here. A part of me is. But you know what? Embarrassment, screw it. Because my purpose is to express my self and my heart, mind and soul. To be who I am and communicate to those who would hear. so screw embarrassment, and, screw shame.

Frustration

I will reclaim who I am, I will not let the frustrations of life and the world take away what is real for me and what is important. I don’t give a shit. For the stupidity, or, the misunderstanding. So try to invalidate me. Come on.

Dreams/Erotica

I want you to kiss me, lick me, taste me. Open me, gently but persuasively, so I can’t resist. Opening me so I melt and succumb and can’t take it anymore, so I am overwhelmed with your love, tenderness, healing me, reaching into me, taking me to places I’ve always dreamed about. Break down my defenses, in the most loving way possible. Take me and take me over…

The Heart of the Matter…and My Thoughts On Tolkien…

I am doing a personal study of J.R.R. Tolkien’s world of Middle Earth through The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the appendixes, and The Silmarillion…it provokes a lot of deep thought in me…I want to be able to discuss more about what’s going on in my head soon. One thing I want to say is that it seems to be a story of the “breaking of the world” (a phrase I got from him) and the struggle to find whole ness and redemption. That is an oversimplification but a lot of it has to do with healing of what has been broken basically, and how it broke and where things came from, and hope and renewal out of destruction and primal fear and despair, and the roots of that hope and renewal and it’s being reawoken.

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Hidden Language of Desire

There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.

At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.

Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.

Take Me

It flows through me like lava, burning my soul

It makes me want to shake and lose all control

Sometimes it breaks me, sometimes it makes me feel whole

It makes me live, when life has taken its toll

It wants what it wants but disappears at a whim

It teases and taunts and sometimes fills to the brim

To be there with it I have to go out on a limb

The way to contact it leads through the within

I write and talk to you and ask you to stay

I don’t want to bother you but I have so much to say

The cracks in the walls come out when we play

You know I’ll be there with you, come what may.

An Urgent Attempt To Communicate Flashes of Insight and Struggling

There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.

Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.

Erotica I Wrote Yesterday…A Fantasy

After you bound my wrists above my head you straddled my waist, holding me down securely, take over my body. you reach your hands up and gently cup the sides of my face, your intense gaze penetrating my eyes. You gently stroke the hair out of my eyes, then kiss my eyes, nose, the corners of my mouth softly, slowly. suddenly you reach down and your fingers are THERE…gently stroking and feeling, then probing and pushing inside me, touching and antagonizing the aching need inside me. I have become liquid in your hands, starting to tremble, I’ve never been touched this way before, everything inside me is warm and tingling and I feel like crying out, a whimper escapes my lips, then all of a sudden you switch positions, you swiftly bring your head down and then, your tongue is there, this is too much, coming undone, and you are kissing, licking, sucking, the most vulnerable part of my body, touching me with your tongue in places inside I didn’t know existed, caressing and teasing and torturing me, you have me, you stop for a second and whisper softly, “thats it baby, thats it, let it all out, all the pain,” and you start again, and I am melting, no escape, I am breaking, shuddering,moaning, crying, screaming, I have never felt so vulnerable or such exquisite agony, I am coming undone, cracking, shattering, in waves of bliss and surrender, you are relentless until I have completely given it all.

I am clinging to you with the little strength I have, I have never been taken so completely, I am quivering,warm, liquified. I don’t know which way is up and which way is down, only that I am completely broken and shattered, and in bliss I could never have imagined. You hold me tightly against you, cradling my head in one arm, softly stroking the strands of my soaked hair with the other, you kiss and lick my tears away. “Everything is okay,” you whisper, soothing me. “Just rest now. I’m here now.”

Sent from my iPad

See Me (Trigger Warning…could cause anxiety) dissociation you could say

I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close

Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.

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