Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

This is part one of a story I am piecing together…it is detailed in talking about bullying,social exclusion, and attempted sexual assault.  So if this triggers, please be warned and don’t read it if it causes too much stress.  It is a part of a much larger story, and will be continued.

it also has not been edited yet. Please excuse the typos, etc.  it will be edited. 




All through school growing up, she had been bullied and made fun of.  She had been painfully shy and as a result, did not speak in school to the other kids.  The only time she had spoken was when she was spoken to first, and then, it was still hard for her to get words out in response.  Her voice was quiet and hesitant, and she said as little as possible.  Even when they verbally taunted and abused her, she didn’t speak up.  She just took it, tried to withdraw into herself, and to not acknowledge it.  She tried not to show how it hurt her.  Occasionally, she would be driven to tears, and her face would burn from the humiliation of them knowing they’d gotten to her.  


They despised her her and they saw her as an easy target.  The way she dressed, carried herself, her quietness, all these served to inflame then.  She didn’t really understand fashion, or what was stylish, and not only that, she didn’t really care.  She didn’t understand why she needed to wear certain types of clothes, the same that everyone else wore. She just wanted to wear what she liked.  Her hair was long and dark and she hid behind it like it was a shield from the world.  She was hesitant and slow in her movements and often didn’t pay enough attention to what was going around her.  And, she hardly ever spoke.  They thought she was a freak, that she was crazy, and stupid, and not cool or attractive.  She didn’t fit into their world. 


She he was alone all the time at school. She walked alone down the hallways, she sat alone in the cafeteria (until she figured out that she could go hide in the restroom and eat in there).  


She he was a lonely child.  And her self esteem was in the lowest depths, because they taught her that she was nothing, or, worse than nothing.  if she was just a nonentity, at least, they’d leave her alone.  But instead they took every opportunity to let her know how despised and worthless she was.  


The he only time boys approached her was as a joke or to bully her.  She watched the other girls start to receive male attention, to get asked out, to have boyfriends.  The time she developed a crush on one boy in her grade, his friends humiliated her in front of him, and he wa laughing with them.  She knew that she was ugly and no boy would ever like her.  


When she was fifteen, she felt ugly and awkward, and knew no guy would be interested in her…but what she didn’t know was that she had a unique attractiveness about her, that the guys at school it was true, couldn’t see, but men who were a little older and in the community, and even boys her age who didn’t go to school with her and didn’t know her as the outcast who they all ridiculed, seeing her for the first time, noticed.  There was a an allure about her that she was completely unaware of.  she had long, wild hair that fell in soft tangles down her back and over her shoulders.  She had large hazel eyes, that shone with an inner light that had not been extinguished by anyone despite all her pain and self doubt.  She had a fragile, petite body and just enough curves to capture attention. She had an unusual sense of style, but wore interesting clothing.  And her face had a dreamy, distant look, and her vulnerability was there, although she hid behind a wall she had created.  She had enough of  a sense of distance and mystery about her created by both her tendency to be list in thought and her attempts at distance and dissociation.  


So, she was noticed.  she stood out. her aura of innocence and vulnerability and fragile appearance caught the attention of a number of men.  Some of them though, being able to see that she was underage, inexperienced, and naive, realized it wouldn’t be right to approach her, or were afraid of legal repercussions. Though there were other men who had no such misgivings.  They found her fragile ness, feminine allure, shyness, naïveté,and young age turn ons, and saw she was someone who they could use, control, and abuse as well.  There was a group of young men, between the ages of eighteen and twenty one, of about six people, who hung out together, partied, and looked for ways to entertain themselves in this small town.  And when they discovered Nadia, they had hit the jackpot. 


They used deception to on to captivate her and seduce her.  One of them, a ruggedly good looking guy named Chris, approached her.  He convinced her that he was interested in her, and knew exactly how to draw her in. He was the first to make her feel that she was worth anyone’s attention, and that he had affection for her.  He also knew how to be dominant.  He combined a toughness and gentleness, sensuality and tenderness, in the way he behaved with her.  he spent time with her, drawing her out, and he seduced her.  She feel for him hard.  For the first time she felt she was worth something, and she had something to live for, to fill her with happiness, and make her burn with desire.  She had had fantasy crushes before. And she would fantasize about them doing things to her.  She also had fantasizes about being rescued, comforted, and loved, cherished.  It seemed like this was actually happening in real life and she was overjoyed.  Her guard was totally down.  When he set her up so that his group of friends showed up unexpectedly and expected her to give her body to them too, she never saw it coming.  She was confused and  scared.  Then they started in with the insults and the degradation  when she was reluctant, she felt her whole body shaking, tears streamed down her face, she felt like she had been hit hard and the breath was knocked out of her, because Chris, it became obvious, was going along with them, laughing with them, and tried to persuade her to give in to them.  She knew for the first time true betrayal, shame and horror…she stood there in shock at first and then got up and bolted for the door….but…they blocked her…two of them picked her up by the arms and legs and carried her to the bed, tossed her on it…. She struggled and tried to flee.  she was pinned down…they were pulling her clothes off…she heard herself screaming, knew she was crying…


then all of a sudden she heard female voices in the other room call out… “Guys, we’re back! Chris, you guys,”.  


All of a sudden everything stopped. the men’s’ hands let go of her, they scrambled, out of the room, calling out, “girls! Girls! We weren’t expecting you until tomorrow!” And their feet bustling out of the room.  she was confused, shaking like mad, burning with fear and pain coursing through her, but she realized that this was her chance.  She had to get out of there.  That was all that mattered.  She shut herself down, numbed herself, and forced herself into a single minded focus, as she got up, pulled her clothes over herself, pulled her jacket on, and snuck out the back door.  She ran.  




    ten years later…


to be continued









Comments on: "Part one of a story (TRIGGER WARNING-details of bullying and attempted sexual assault)" (4)

  1. Painful content but very well written.

  2. that was very intense, thank you for writing that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: