Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Being Held (a story I just wrote)

http://wattpad.com/story/10681138?utm_content=share_passage&utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link

Advertisements

“Driven Like the Snow”

“Driven Like the Snow” Andrew Eldritch of The Sisters of Mercy

Still night, nothing for miles,
White curtain come down,
Kill the lights in the middle of the road
And take a look around…
It don’t help to be one of the chosen
One of the few, to be sure
When the wheels are spinning around
And the ground is frozen through, and you’re
Driven, like the snow
Pure in heart
Driven together
And given
Away to the west
A white dress
Till the river don’t run
A black dress
Looking like mine
Till the sun don’t shine no more
Where the sky meet the ground
Where the street fold ’round
Where the voice you hold don’t
Make no sound, look
Snow on the river and two by two
Took a lot to live a lot like you, I don’t
Go there now, but I hear they sung
Their “fuck me And marry me young”
Some wild idea and a big white bed, now
You know better than that, I said,
Like a voice in the wind blow little crystals down
Like brittle things will break before they turn
Like lipstick on my cigarette
And the ice get harder overhead
Like think it twice but never never learn…

And the mist will wrap around us
And the crystal, if you touch it…
And the cars
Lost in the drift
Are there
And the people that drive
Lost in the drift
Are there
And the cares
I’ve lost in the drift
Are there
Theirs, ours,
Lost in the drift
Are…
Driven
Driven together
And driven
Apart

An Urgent Attempt To Communicate Flashes of Insight and Struggling

There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.

Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.

See Me (Trigger Warning…could cause anxiety) dissociation you could say

I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close

Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.

“Break Me Open” poem

Break Me Open

I wait here for the doors to open
I welcome the release
The crack in the wall is my freedom

Smashing of boundaries
Wide open spaces
Where artificial fixtures

Finally no longer stand.

Surrender.
The storm.
The hurricane.
Smashes the house

And the gates fall
The structure crumbles
And my world appears intact,
Again.

So blast it open.
Penetration!
Break
It
Down

Tear me apart
Hurt me!
Because my world is not real,
Is not real!

Break me,
So I can live.
Hold me down,
So I can be safe,
And not float away.

Trigger Warning: Thoughts from just before in a bad state, my mood has since changed.

Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:

Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.

This is how I feel. If it will disturb you, don’t read.

I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.

“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down

Tag Cloud