Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Archive for the ‘searching’ Category

“Driven Like the Snow”

“Driven Like the Snow” Andrew Eldritch of The Sisters of Mercy

Still night, nothing for miles,
White curtain come down,
Kill the lights in the middle of the road
And take a look around…
It don’t help to be one of the chosen
One of the few, to be sure
When the wheels are spinning around
And the ground is frozen through, and you’re
Driven, like the snow
Pure in heart
Driven together
And given
Away to the west
A white dress
Till the river don’t run
A black dress
Looking like mine
Till the sun don’t shine no more
Where the sky meet the ground
Where the street fold ’round
Where the voice you hold don’t
Make no sound, look
Snow on the river and two by two
Took a lot to live a lot like you, I don’t
Go there now, but I hear they sung
Their “fuck me And marry me young”
Some wild idea and a big white bed, now
You know better than that, I said,
Like a voice in the wind blow little crystals down
Like brittle things will break before they turn
Like lipstick on my cigarette
And the ice get harder overhead
Like think it twice but never never learn…

And the mist will wrap around us
And the crystal, if you touch it…
And the cars
Lost in the drift
Are there
And the people that drive
Lost in the drift
Are there
And the cares
I’ve lost in the drift
Are there
Theirs, ours,
Lost in the drift
Are…
Driven
Driven together
And driven
Apart

Hidden Language of Desire

There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.

At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.

Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.

An Urgent Attempt To Communicate Flashes of Insight and Struggling

There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.

Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.

“Break Me Open” poem

Break Me Open

I wait here for the doors to open
I welcome the release
The crack in the wall is my freedom

Smashing of boundaries
Wide open spaces
Where artificial fixtures

Finally no longer stand.

Surrender.
The storm.
The hurricane.
Smashes the house

And the gates fall
The structure crumbles
And my world appears intact,
Again.

So blast it open.
Penetration!
Break
It
Down

Tear me apart
Hurt me!
Because my world is not real,
Is not real!

Break me,
So I can live.
Hold me down,
So I can be safe,
And not float away.

I Dream

I dream of him, the one I haven’t met yet, the one I kept looking for. Opening me, reaching inside, loving me, soothing me, protecting me, knowing me. And allowing me to do the same for him, learning together how to take down the walls. Breaking me at times, bringing my tears to the surface, holding me in his arms.

My Fantasies. What I Want Most Of All…

Break me sensually. Then hold me and comfort me while I shake….
Another fantasy. Sharing and opening ourselves to one another. Including our light and dark aspects, happiness and sadness…

Let me open up to you. Open up to me. Let me trust you and take me to levels of passion, vulnerability and surrender. Take me for all of me, and let me take you for all of you. If you want me to learn certain things to make you happy, I will do my best.

Let me be who I am, and respect me.

Articulating Where I Am At As Someone With Submissive Side

I am still learning..,a long way to go..one thing, I am submissive in aspects of me, but definitely not a slave. I couldn’t surrender my whole will and life to another person twenty four/seven. I need to have strength in myself and a sense of who I am, and I know myself and what I need better than anyone in a lot of ways. I want to express the aspect that is submissive, but I also want to be an individual and have my own sense of strength and self within me, plus I have yet to find someone I could totally entrust everything in me to, lol. This is where I am at now, I am not judging anyone or trying to speak for anyone else, this is just where I personally am at.

I want to find someone who I really connect with on a heart and soul level, first and foremost, someone who can know, accept, understand, and love me…but I also want them to have a dominant side, where they can take control and guide me at times, protect me, comfort me, and push my limits at times and help me break through. I want to be able to give myself, and know I will be Safe and Loved.

I want to be able to at times submit in a sensual and sexual sense…to play and be taken control of, and overcome. I want to be able to experience surrender. I want to give myself over and be taken over at certain times.

Also it’s possible that with the right person, I could switch, too, IF he wanted me to….

Where I’m at

A Piece Of My History (Homeless And Mentally Ill In San Francisco)

shatteredandshining says:
July 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I was homeless at times during a seven year period I lived in San Francisco from age 18 to 25. I didn’t usually sleep outside, but slept in a multitude of places from crashing in places of people who I had just met that day and going to a different place every night or few nights, to staying in squat houses, to crashing in a friend’s truck and an office building. I did sleep in the outdoors a little bit, in the park a couple of times for week to two week periods, and on the actual streets just a few nights. One thing was that I was never physically alone (though mentally, I was). I always had fellow humans to stay with/crash with/ camp out with. One night, just one, I stayed on the beach dunes alone.

In the times when I wasn’t homeless I often lived at run down welfare hotels, called SRO’s (single room occupancy).

The whole time I lived there I think I may have only lived in regular apartments (rooms for rent with rotates) twice, for a month or two at a time on both occasions.

I indeed was mentally ill from when I was twenty one. I suffered recurring bad depression, severe anxiety, and some mild dissociation, oh, and my primary diagnosis, OCD.

I was helped by an organization started by a very compassionate woman, whose name was Mary Kate Connor, who was a survivor of clinical depression herself. The organization was called Caduceus Outreach Services. It was to help the homeless mentally ill and those who couldn’t get mental health services elsewhere. They had psychiatrists who volunteered their time. I was far from cured and still suffered but they were a degree of stability in a very unstable internal world.

I associated a lot of my time with people who were homeless, near homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted, etc. it was quite a world. I had numerous romantic relationships that never worked out.

When I was twenty five, in 1999, my time there was up, I felt it was time to move on, and I returned to New Jersey, from which I’d come, and where I had family. I’ve been there since, I have a stable living situation for more than a decade now. I still struggle with mental illness issues, but am a thousand times more stable than I was then.

Reply

Deep Desires Romantically and Sensually, With The Right Person

I just posted this today on a website, am reposting it here: Musings on my deep desires romantically and sensually speaking with the right person: I think a relationship which is about trust and intimacy and consensual ly breaking each other’s walls down…and opening up to vulnerability…i want to be touched in a very deep and “sensually violating” way at times. Be taken, taken over, broken down and held

Aside

Acceptance Of Oneself, Acceptance Of Another…Including Someone’s Brokenn

I don’t always know what’s real or who I am.  But I know I need to accept myself including in the aspects of me that are broken, and the way my mind works, for good and bad.  Or I should put “bad” in quotes.  Just because it is the way it is doesn’t make it “bad”.  i also know that I have not given up on finding the partner in life who will accept me and love me the way I am, including my light and dark sides, brokenness and whole ness, vulnerability and strengths, see and accept me…ok I know no relationship is perfect, but I believe this exists, though very rare. It seems that most people tend to run from people wanting too much or being ok with expressing themselves how they are, and their complexity of emotion.   A lot of people are afraid of really being there through someone’s insecurities.  Now, I know there is such a thing as being TOO dependent on another person, and looking for someone to fix all your problems.  I am not advocating that.  But I am advocating being there for me including if my emotions aren’t always the most comfortable to deal with, and I am advocating loving me in and through anxiety and insecurity, and appreciating my vulnerabilities, if I also make an effort to not lay TOO much on someone and to have my own strength from within, and to do the same for the other person.  This is a relationship I hope to have one day.

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