Thank you to Cerridwynn who blogs at http://cerridwyndarkstrom.wordpress.com for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award! Please check out her blog!
Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Thank you to Phoenix for nominating me for this Versatile Blogger award! Greatly appreciated! 🙂 :). Her blog is
Http://phoenixasubbie.wordpress.com. She writes about her journey with submission.
You lovingly stroked my hair and held my head against your shoulder and spoke to me in that soft but firm tone. I knew I had caused a problem again, I did often when my insecurities acted up, it was the desperation of my emotions and my anxiety leading me to feel powerless and breakable, it made me say certain things that always set you off, triggering you as well.
You caressed my cheek softly and then you moved suddenly, startling me, shifted position. You pulled me down and arranged me so I was lying face down on your lap. I didn’t know what was going on, confused, I tried to lift myself up and turn to face you, but you held me there, pinned me, and I couldn’t move. My breathing got heavy and I started trembling. “W-What’s going on?” I managed to get out, and frantically tried to turn my face to see yours. You put your hand on my head and gently but firmly held it down so I could not turn. I felt hot tears burn in my eyes, instinctually, feeling afraid and powerless. As you held my head firmly down you moved your fingers caressingly back and forth, soothing me, and massaged my back where you held it with your other hand. “Shhh…” You spoke softly…” Settle down. You are safe. Just relax. But I’m going to have to spank you. Remember last time you had spoken to me that way, I warned you? I always follow through.” An uncontrollable whimper escaped from me, and I trembled more. You had complete control over me. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop you, and what’s more, I deserved this. I had to take it. And at the same time I felt this fear and helplessness I felt intoxicated, hypnotized, like a spell was working it’s way through me. I felt warm, tingly inside all over, my head was light, I knew I was in your power and i felt deliciously violated by the thought.
You smoothed my hair slowly over my head and very slowly and gently ran your fingers over my scalp and down my neck. You stroked my back, and worked down until your hand was on my ass. You lifted the skirt up and then pulled my underwear down so I was exposed. I lay there trembling and gripping your leg under me, as if for security. The person I was holding tight to for security was the same person punishing me. A wave of intoxication passed through me, desire and hurt, together. You started out by gently massaging in a circular motion…and then, the first blow landed…I started with the shock of it…as you continued I felt unbidden sobs come, I cried out, I was breaking…you continued…I started to feel I could not take any more…i helplessly clung to you for security…as you struck me and I cried and mumbled incoherently you spoke to me….”that’s it, honey…just take it. It’s going to be all right.” Every time you struck me you massaged me there afterwards before starting again. I was broken.
When I felt I could not take any more, suddenly you stopped. “It’s over now,” you whispered to me. “It’s over. Shhh.” You stroked me where you had been hitting me, pulled me up and against you, cradling me in your arms, kissing my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, my lips. You held my head firmly and securely against your chest and silently held me there for how long I couldn’t say, you kissed my tears away.
Leave me here
Let the shadow of doubts creep up and take me
Let go of my hand
Leave me standing alone, always alone
I will not ask for what you won’t give freely
I wonder if anyone will.
She had trusted him completely that night, had surrendered herself to him. She had a yearning inside to be able to surrender herself over to someone, to give him the power to dominate her, do things to her inside and outside, to give him control of her body completely. But she had to trust him implicitly, had to know that when it came down to it he cared for her, had empathy for her, and wanted to protect her, and that he accepted her for who she was. Knowing he was a good person, with compassion, ethics, intelligence, and who treated her with kindness and respect, made her want to give herself to him, to put herself in his hands.
In the hotel room that night he started out gentle with her, talking softly to her, running his hands over her body, touching and exploring, kissing her cheeks, nose, eyes, neck, gazing into her eyes with his intense, penetrating dark eyes, looking into her, it felt, to places that no one had bothered to look before, wordlessly calming her and letting her know that she was safe with him.
Then suddenly, he swiftly pinned her arms down, and his legs were on top of hers pinning her to the bed. She instinctively panicked, struggled, cried out, and tried to sit up, but he kept her pinned beneath him. His hands firmly held either side of her head, she was shaking, her wide terrified eyes going between looking up at him, and frantically roaming the room. As he held her and held her down, tears formed in her eyes, tears of fear and of helplessness. He continued to hold her firmly, though, and gazed deeply into her eyes. Taking his thumb and stroking the side of her face, wiping a falling tear.
“Hey,” he spoke softly and firmly. “Look at me, now.” Her eyes got a little less frantic, and looked shyly and hesitantly into his, still wide with anxiety. “Baby. Settle down. Relax. Shhh…. You are okay. You are safe. You are safe. You want to give yourself to me. You have told me all this. Breathe. Breathe through your fear. Let go and let me do what I want to do to you. I know how much you’ve been wanting to give in, ever since we had that first conversation. I also know that you are deeply afraid at the same time…but you need this. It has been burning inside of you for the longest time, under the surface, tearing you apart inside. I’m going to release it. It will hurt, it will be more than you think you can stand. But I am here with you, for you. I will take care of you. You are safe with me. And I will not do anything you really don’t want me to do. We talked about safe words, you know yours, any time you use it I will stop immediately.”
As he was talking she gazed into his deep dark eyes with a mixture of fear and trust and desire. Her fear though slowly was easing, and she let his kind but knowing gaze and his words of reassurance wash over her and gently wrap her up. He ran his fingers through her hair and softly over the side of her face and the edge of her earlobe. He kissed her lips, his tongue entered her mouth and he probed and tasted. His hand found her throat and squeezed, not too hard at first, but just enough to make her tense up. He continued to kiss her, softly, gently, and meanwhile squeezed her throat a little harder. He held her legs firmly down with his, and with his other hand he held her arm over her head and held it down, his strong hand covering hers and entwining his fingers with hers. He continued to kiss her, bit her lip, ran his tongue slowly over her face, kissing and licking, and then over her exposed throat. Her body had relaxed, she had felt like she was melting inside, felt herself give in more and more, and she trembled against him as he moved down, unbuttoning her blouse, removing her lace bra, freeing her breasts, and explored her body further and further down touching, kissing, licking, sucking…pinching her, bruising her with his fingers, and kissing her where he had just bruised her…he moved to the inside of her thighs and then she felt him kiss her…there…spreading the folds apart…she was melting, warm, liquid, helpless, completely helpless…moaning and whimpering softly, she couldn’t stop herself…
“Breaking” and “Broken” Associations, Good, Bad, and In Between (if this may trigger you, feel free not to read).
This post could potentially be triggering for some, could also be interpreted wrong. If this will trigger you, please don’t read if not comfortable, and if you have a negative reaction or interpretation, please don’t jump into conclusions without asking first what is meant.
Breaking as in the power to rip apart, violate, crush, conquer, dominate,
Breaking of someone’s defenses by someone to bring them closer to themselves, to the one doing it, intimacy, love, vulnerability, so they come undone in front of this person, so this person can heal their wounds, rebuild them, enter into the places that were closed off or frozen, and heal them and soothe them
Breaking as in breaking them open, melting them, gentle breaking, divine breaking through
Breaking as in coming apart…can be destructive, but can be necessary too at times.
Break- to tear apart, to shatter
To crack open
Broken as in come apart, fragmented, damaged, wounded, torn
Broken as in surrendered, not resisting any longer
Broken …”beautifully broken”… Beauty in fragility, wounded ness, imperfection, “messiness”, the cracks letting the light in, vulnerable, etc.