Archive for the ‘wounds’ Category
She had trusted him completely that night, had surrendered herself to him. She had a yearning inside to be able to surrender herself over to someone, to give him the power to dominate her, do things to her inside and outside, to give him control of her body completely. But she had to trust him implicitly, had to know that when it came down to it he cared for her, had empathy for her, and wanted to protect her, and that he accepted her for who she was. Knowing he was a good person, with compassion, ethics, intelligence, and who treated her with kindness and respect, made her want to give herself to him, to put herself in his hands.
In the hotel room that night he started out gentle with her, talking softly to her, running his hands over her body, touching and exploring, kissing her cheeks, nose, eyes, neck, gazing into her eyes with his intense, penetrating dark eyes, looking into her, it felt, to places that no one had bothered to look before, wordlessly calming her and letting her know that she was safe with him.
Then suddenly, he swiftly pinned her arms down, and his legs were on top of hers pinning her to the bed. She instinctively panicked, struggled, cried out, and tried to sit up, but he kept her pinned beneath him. His hands firmly held either side of her head, she was shaking, her wide terrified eyes going between looking up at him, and frantically roaming the room. As he held her and held her down, tears formed in her eyes, tears of fear and of helplessness. He continued to hold her firmly, though, and gazed deeply into her eyes. Taking his thumb and stroking the side of her face, wiping a falling tear.
“Hey,” he spoke softly and firmly. “Look at me, now.” Her eyes got a little less frantic, and looked shyly and hesitantly into his, still wide with anxiety. “Baby. Settle down. Relax. Shhh…. You are okay. You are safe. You are safe. You want to give yourself to me. You have told me all this. Breathe. Breathe through your fear. Let go and let me do what I want to do to you. I know how much you’ve been wanting to give in, ever since we had that first conversation. I also know that you are deeply afraid at the same time…but you need this. It has been burning inside of you for the longest time, under the surface, tearing you apart inside. I’m going to release it. It will hurt, it will be more than you think you can stand. But I am here with you, for you. I will take care of you. You are safe with me. And I will not do anything you really don’t want me to do. We talked about safe words, you know yours, any time you use it I will stop immediately.”
As he was talking she gazed into his deep dark eyes with a mixture of fear and trust and desire. Her fear though slowly was easing, and she let his kind but knowing gaze and his words of reassurance wash over her and gently wrap her up. He ran his fingers through her hair and softly over the side of her face and the edge of her earlobe. He kissed her lips, his tongue entered her mouth and he probed and tasted. His hand found her throat and squeezed, not too hard at first, but just enough to make her tense up. He continued to kiss her, softly, gently, and meanwhile squeezed her throat a little harder. He held her legs firmly down with his, and with his other hand he held her arm over her head and held it down, his strong hand covering hers and entwining his fingers with hers. He continued to kiss her, bit her lip, ran his tongue slowly over her face, kissing and licking, and then over her exposed throat. Her body had relaxed, she had felt like she was melting inside, felt herself give in more and more, and she trembled against him as he moved down, unbuttoning her blouse, removing her lace bra, freeing her breasts, and explored her body further and further down touching, kissing, licking, sucking…pinching her, bruising her with his fingers, and kissing her where he had just bruised her…he moved to the inside of her thighs and then she felt him kiss her…there…spreading the folds apart…she was melting, warm, liquid, helpless, completely helpless…moaning and whimpering softly, she couldn’t stop herself…
There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.
At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.
Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.
There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.
Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.
There is love…being embraced, understood, cared for, known, and doing so in turn..
-There is being comforted. There is wanting someone to see your pain, and, wanting your pain to make them pull closer to you…to soothe the pain and soothe you. To heal you, and to take you, and, take care of you inside. To want to get as close to you as possible and melt you inside, and kiss the pain away, and to take control in a sense, during that.
-There is also wanting them to have the control at times over you where they can spank you, punish you, make you vulnerable in that sense…bring out your tears and break you down to an extent. But… at the same time where you feel safe and cared for during that and know that they wouldn’t take inflicting pain or punishment too far or purposely TRULY hurt you. And that they are there for you, and want you, and will not leave you …and will hold you afterwards, and comfort you.
Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:
Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.
I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.
“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down
When the heart breaks open…and the inner me comes through…normally hidden from view…
Kind of had it with being around. No one really can connect to me on the multiple levels and intimately. I don’t want to be around. People relate to one thing, or another, and ignore what they don’t like. I need to give up.
Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.