since I was eighteen (I’m thirty eight now) I think I have seen my father once, and talked to him on the phone only a handful more times than that. I don’t have many emotions, about it, I am not sure why or what that means, if I’ve repressed them or if I just don’t have them. I do have severe abandonment issues though with men who I develop romantic or intense attachments to.
Posts tagged ‘abandonment issues’
I probably carry scars I am not fully aware of from my sexual experiences in high school…although I wasn’t raped, and outwardly consented to things, i was exploited, taken advantage of, and mistreated in so many ways. And then there was my unhealthy friendship history, of either having no friends, ones who I wasn’t a big part of their lives, or in one case, who I clung to and depended on but she just treated me like shit for a year and a half.
Always searched for things in intimate relationships that were not given. Betrayed by people who should’ve cared but I looked in the wrong places for the love affection and understanding I craved. I never had a satisfying relationship with my father, we were not close, I had fear of him, and also he was not much there because my parents separated at age eight. This must play some role in my abandonment issues and relationship turbulence and history.
and why did I allow myself to be so used and abused in high school? A big part was destroyed self esteem from feeling totally rejected and bullied socially.
i know there may be some who would wish to hear more detailed account instead of a general account. May provide more details and in depth thought later, right now, I just finished earlier telling someone all kinds of things, yes in detail from my past, and don’t have the energy at this moment to go through it again.