I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.
“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down
I need to be with someone who sees the good in me, and the negative side of me, and loves me, for me. Someone who is drawn to the happiness, joy and light within me…and also the pain and vulnerability, the aspects of me that are broken, the whole being inside…I want to be with someone who is willing to watch me break open and wants to touch me deep inside. I need to be with someone who knows I want to be there for them and respect their needs, and who will respect mine. Sometimes I get needy, sometimes I get insecure, I have fears that sometimes take over. That is not all there is to me, and I have strength inside…but sometimes, I break. And sometimes, I want to be able to break. Both because it is a real part of me, and…then there is the “positive breaking” too…but right now I’m talking about the fact that I need security and comfort for the broken parts. Of course, no one s perfect and can be there for me perfectly, or can just take on all my insecurities. But respect for my vulnerability.
Honestly…I am afraid that just when I thought maybe I was safe, that I am getting abandoned…that I have scared someone off…can I be me including the vulnerable part, can I trust, can I have what I need? Tears in my eyes…frustration…could be just irrational thought and fer. But if so I need to HEAR it from this person. Otherwise…
Someday, the person who connects with me in the ways I am looking for and who does not turn away will be with me. I will not run after anyone anymore who doesn’t want to engage. I dont have to constantly be Abandoned and decided I am not Worth it to someone. I have more determination and will then some may give me credit for, I don’t have to accept rejection as a way of life, and, I will not.
In this waiting room
In this cubicle
Walking down a deserted street
Floating in a black lake
Wondering if I drifted out too far
If I am caught in a rip current
That will keep me from getting back to shore.
My candle flickers
I cup my hands around it
To cover it,
Protect it from the southern winds
Focus intently on it
To keep the darkness from swallowing me.
The light came through cracks in the door
Through the dusty window
I keep my eyes on it
Training them not to waver.
But the light is on the other side
And the cracks are closing around themselves
The dust is growing thicker
The only way out is through they say
The only way out is through
Open the door, wide
Break the window glass
So no obstruction stands in between.
The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.
I really have to accept that it is over and done. He is not open to me any more or any further breakthroughs. He said it. He is done. I have to realize he is not who I wanted him to be, and he is not wanting of what I thought I saw in him. I have to move on to being myself separately and looking to new relationships and possibilities of relationships for the connections I truly need and want. That’s all I can do. I wanted to include him but he doesn’t want to be included. God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. God help me let go and let God (you). God please help me and please help him
Done with lies
Done with cries
I slam the door and cut the ties
My eyes are gouged out
My ears securely covered
Forget everything you meant, the fire has turned to ash
You never did quite hear me
And it poisoned me and made me ill
I may be sick all on my own
I tried with you too long
And it’s hopeless now I guess
So I will burn the bridge and forget you exist
I would like to destroy myself
And this world.