Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘abandonment’

This is how I feel. If it will disturb you, don’t read.

I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.

“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down

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I want to be loved for me

I need to be with someone who sees the good in me, and the negative side of me, and loves me, for me.  Someone who is drawn to the happiness, joy and light within me…and also the pain and vulnerability, the aspects of me that are broken, the whole being inside…I want to be with someone who is willing to watch me break open and wants to touch me deep inside.   I need to be with someone who knows I want to be there for them and respect their needs, and who will respect mine.  Sometimes I get needy, sometimes I get insecure, I have fears that sometimes take over.  That is not all there is to me, and I have strength inside…but sometimes, I break.  And sometimes, I want to be able to break.  Both because it is a real part of me, and…then there is the “positive breaking” too…but right now I’m talking about the fact that I need security and comfort for the broken parts.  Of course, no one s perfect and can be there for me perfectly, or can just take on all my insecurities.  But respect for my vulnerability.  

Fear Again…Abandonment

Honestly…I am afraid that just when I thought maybe I was safe, that I am getting abandoned…that I have scared someone off…can I be me including the vulnerable part, can I trust, can I have what I need? Tears in my eyes…frustration…could be just irrational thought and fer.  But if so I need to HEAR it from this person.  Otherwise…

I Don’t Accept It Anymore

Someday, the person who connects with me in the ways I am looking for and who does not turn away will be with me.  I will not run after anyone anymore who doesn’t want to engage.  I dont have to constantly be Abandoned and decided I am not Worth it to someone.  I have more determination and will then some may give me credit for, I don’t have to accept rejection as a way of life, and, I will not.

Separation

In this waiting room

In this cubicle

Walking down a deserted street

Floating in a black lake
Wondering if I drifted out too far
If I am caught in a rip current
That will keep me from getting back to shore.
My candle flickers
I cup my hands around it
To cover it,
Protect it from the southern winds
Focus intently on it
To keep the darkness from swallowing me.
The light came through cracks in the door
Through the dusty window
I keep my eyes on it
Training them not to waver.
But the light is on the other side
And the cracks are closing around themselves
The dust is growing thicker
The only way out is through they say
The only way out is through
Open the door, wide
Break the window glass
So no obstruction stands in between.
Nikki Ian

Abandonment

The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.

Aside

Just Trying To Break Through

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New post on shatteredandshining

Just Trying To Break Through

by shatteredandshining

Trying to go within today and deal with my wounds and try to get closer to what is real to me and get a better understanding, reached out one last time yesterday to the ex friend who has abandoned thoroughly our friendship, was rejected, he told the person who passed along the message that he was my well wisher but he was completely closed forever to anything else.  He just views me as a manipulator who he has to be totally free of.  I too need to be totally free of him.  All he does is cause pain and stand in the distance.  I am getting stronger.

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