Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘abuse’

Good Breaking, Bad Breaking, And Borderline Breaking…And Relationships, Take Two

think i would say Good breaking would be where there is break-through, basically….to healing or new or re contacted levels of Reality, the self, being, love, etc. bad breaking where yes where it just shatters and tortures you, and where there is no point. Borderline breaking would be where it is both bad and good at the same time, where you are put through an experience that shakes you up deeply or shatters you in a painful way and a wounding or devastating way but where at the same time you have a breakthrough in the process, or where there is “violent rescue” I might say like in my poem. Also I would extend this idea of three kinds of breaking to happen in some intimate relationships too.

good breaking in relationships…sometimes when you want to break down your walls and defenses with another person or for someone else to do it to you in a way that allows healing and vulnerability and shedding of pretenses and glass bubbles, etc.  sometimes you want to be able to break down and let it out (the pain, tension, pent up feelings inside) and have someone hold you and be there for you, and, sometimes you want the life in you to flow through you un impeded and break the stultifying dams inside you.  Sometimes you want your armour to be pierced and to lose your habitual self imprisoned in stagnant thought structures, to be destroyed so to speak but not truly in the way you might normally think of that word, tO be…broken…with love…

 

it is the good breaking in regards to relationships I wanted to talk about here…I think we all know what the bad breaking is in relationships.  Where someone abuses you, sets out to destroy you (in the conventional sense of the word), to ruin everything you are…

 

borderline breaking is of course when someone deeply hurts and devastates you in a relationship but where there is still a connection which has intimacy and caring within it, despite its ambiguous nature. 

 

 

Confessional…past history. Could be triggering. Please be careful if you need to.

I probably carry scars I am not fully aware of from my sexual experiences in high school…although I wasn’t raped, and outwardly consented to things, i was exploited, taken advantage of, and mistreated in so many ways.  And then there was my unhealthy friendship history, of either having no friends, ones who I wasn’t a big part of their lives, or in one case, who I clung to and depended on but she just treated me like shit for a year and a half.

Always searched for things in intimate relationships that were not given.  Betrayed by people who should’ve cared but I looked in the wrong places for the love affection and understanding I craved.  I never had a satisfying relationship with my father, we were not close, I had fear of him, and also he was not much there because my parents separated at age eight.  This must play some role in my abandonment issues and relationship turbulence and history.

and why did I allow myself to be so used and abused in high school? A big part was destroyed self esteem from feeling totally rejected and bullied socially.

i know there may be some who would wish to hear more detailed account instead of a general account.  May provide more details and in depth thought later, right now, I just finished earlier telling someone all kinds of things, yes in detail from my past, and don’t have the energy at this moment to go through it again.

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