I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close
Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.
What is connection?
I wanted to really connect with a particular person who at first seemed open to it but then decided against it, it feels. Sometimes I feel the feeling of the connection. Then I wonder, am I feeling it? Or am I feeling something just in me unfelt by the other person. And I think about how I had wanted something a lot and it was taken away. The door was shut. I wanted a level of personal ness and depth perhaps, and bonding that perhaps thjus person just is not open to with me.
All I can think is a) if this person is not open to it, all I can do is know what is real in ME that can’t be taken by anyone else, and that I CAN have in the future with someone who IS open to it, and, b), that IF the connection between me and this one person truly is real for both of us and not only me, (and including me, because I sometimes don’t know what connections are real for ME and which are not), then be will reconnect.
In the meantime I must accept where things are at and that I may just have to let my dreams of a deeper connection with this person go and just crept what IS there and let the rest go. Yes I know I repeated myself here.
I need to be with someone who sees the good in me, and the negative side of me, and loves me, for me. Someone who is drawn to the happiness, joy and light within me…and also the pain and vulnerability, the aspects of me that are broken, the whole being inside…I want to be with someone who is willing to watch me break open and wants to touch me deep inside. I need to be with someone who knows I want to be there for them and respect their needs, and who will respect mine. Sometimes I get needy, sometimes I get insecure, I have fears that sometimes take over. That is not all there is to me, and I have strength inside…but sometimes, I break. And sometimes, I want to be able to break. Both because it is a real part of me, and…then there is the “positive breaking” too…but right now I’m talking about the fact that I need security and comfort for the broken parts. Of course, no one s perfect and can be there for me perfectly, or can just take on all my insecurities. But respect for my vulnerability.
If people can’t understand me or who I really am, maybe I shouldn’t blame them or dwell on them, because not everybody is at a place where they CAN do this. I know who I am. And even what I do not know, I still am what I am. Just attract those who get it, and me, and let go of the others.
Sometimes someone else can see and point out the good in us that we do not see. This happened to me recently. I felt that someone saw, accepted, and encouraged me, someone I have a lot of respect for. May it continue.
Sometimes in the search for Ultimate Reality one can get too caught up in that, and dismiss THE REST of Reality.
i am MORE than my mental illness, yet I HAVE a mental illness. I am not just like everybody else, yet, I am.