Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘alienation’

One Of Those Moods

That last blog was venting, and feeling bad. I am in one of “those moods.” Hopefully it won’t last long, but this world and its alienation and loneliness gets to me. I get sick of trying to reach out and barely get a response. What the fuck is wrong with this world I wonder sometimes. And, judge if you want to for having the audacity to think people could actually connect with me in ways I keep wanting them to. Judge me for having desire and needs.

If you don’t like these words, whoever may be reading, sorry.

Maybe my mood will be better later.

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Kitty (a short story experiment,which may not be finished yet)

Kitty had always been quiet.  She elt fragile around people.  She felt like she was made of glass, that she could be broken and shattered.  She felt transparent, that people could see through her and would shove her violently aside and use her for their own purposes; think she was an empty space that they could fill with whatever they wanted; judge her reality as worthless, and easily dismissible.  

 

So she kept to herself.  She held herself off, built walls and barriers.  She disguised herself as much as possible because she did not want to break and she did not want to be obliterated.  She lived in a secret world, where no one could see in.  

 

But after a while she couldn’t see in either a good part of the time.  

 

Her sadness and isolation is evidenced in her eyes at times.  Sometimes they are blank though; veiled, inscrutable, indecipherable.  

 

But deep down, there is a part of her that knows there is something else.  Something other than THIS.  Sometimes, she catches glimpses of it.  

 

Sometimes her eyes get a focused look to them, a door opens, light comes shimmering through the cracks.  

 

Sometimes she wants someone to see inside.  She made herself invisible, but she is tired of being invisible.  She wants someone to come in, who is different than the others.  She wants to be safe and held.  She is tired of disappearing.  

Empowerment, And, Frustration

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The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there.  Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts.  But it is not ME.  I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it.  Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself.  In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all).  Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up.  Have to let the ego and perfectionism go.  But I am not nothing.  

 

What am I? I am what I am.  

 

Anyway, always looking for what’s Real.  What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment.  What’s important will come back.  I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done.  Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.  

 

Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess.  So what.  I am me, not them.  As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.

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