Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘Anxiety’

An Urgent Attempt To Communicate Flashes of Insight and Struggling

There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.

Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.

See Me (Trigger Warning…could cause anxiety) dissociation you could say

I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close

Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.

A Piece Of My History (Homeless And Mentally Ill In San Francisco)

shatteredandshining says:
July 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I was homeless at times during a seven year period I lived in San Francisco from age 18 to 25. I didn’t usually sleep outside, but slept in a multitude of places from crashing in places of people who I had just met that day and going to a different place every night or few nights, to staying in squat houses, to crashing in a friend’s truck and an office building. I did sleep in the outdoors a little bit, in the park a couple of times for week to two week periods, and on the actual streets just a few nights. One thing was that I was never physically alone (though mentally, I was). I always had fellow humans to stay with/crash with/ camp out with. One night, just one, I stayed on the beach dunes alone.

In the times when I wasn’t homeless I often lived at run down welfare hotels, called SRO’s (single room occupancy).

The whole time I lived there I think I may have only lived in regular apartments (rooms for rent with rotates) twice, for a month or two at a time on both occasions.

I indeed was mentally ill from when I was twenty one. I suffered recurring bad depression, severe anxiety, and some mild dissociation, oh, and my primary diagnosis, OCD.

I was helped by an organization started by a very compassionate woman, whose name was Mary Kate Connor, who was a survivor of clinical depression herself. The organization was called Caduceus Outreach Services. It was to help the homeless mentally ill and those who couldn’t get mental health services elsewhere. They had psychiatrists who volunteered their time. I was far from cured and still suffered but they were a degree of stability in a very unstable internal world.

I associated a lot of my time with people who were homeless, near homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted, etc. it was quite a world. I had numerous romantic relationships that never worked out.

When I was twenty five, in 1999, my time there was up, I felt it was time to move on, and I returned to New Jersey, from which I’d come, and where I had family. I’ve been there since, I have a stable living situation for more than a decade now. I still struggle with mental illness issues, but am a thousand times more stable than I was then.

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Self Doubt. Can Anyone Be And Stay Interested In Me.

Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.

Thoughts On Abandonment Fears…How Can I Keep From Being Broken By Them

I realize how broken I can become by my insecurities and fears and vulnerability in the face of loss of a relationship. There’s no way really to have the kind of absolute security I crave even though there are relationships with a significant amount of security involved. So what can I do about these fears of mine and this pain that comes with it…and then in tow the relationship sabotaging if I put too much pressure on someone? I have to learn and internalize that I can’t control the person, if the connection is real and meant to last and i am important to them and they to me, it will, if not, it won’t, and if not, I don’t need it. If it is, it is great. If it is not, that’s not the relationship I need, I need to be valued and cared for. I can’t have absolute security, and if I really like someone and care about them I can be accommodating to their difficulty, and not pressure them into a place they are not comfortable with, And not be demanding. But if someone turns out to just not really want me in their life, I have to have faith that love is still available to me with or without that person. Because it hurts so much to fear them rejecting me. I have abandonment issues. Emotions are intense and they hurt. But this life is not a cakewalk, and I have to get through best I can.

love is real…despite whether a specific person chooses to love me or care for me, or if they change their mind about me.

And of course I do the black and white thinking and catastrophizing, thinking that just because someone may have times they have difficulty remembering their ability to connect with me, that it is all hopeless. Those ups and downs are part of things.

i have value. So do you.

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My Obsession With Reality…Colorful Writing

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Thoughts Floating Through

Mindfulness…let my thoughts come, go, come, float through like clouds in the sky…let them go, let them come, don’t cling to them, the important ones, they will come back, (as well as the obsessive ones lol)… I am not destroyed I still am and will be…live in the moment, what is important is not lost, I will not be destroyed

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