I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close
Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.
My writing will tell my story. I want to speak out about my pain, struggles, desires, and learning process, to both be known to others, and to break walls and let people know they’re not alone.
A lot of times I am like a bouncing ball, here, there, all over the place, trying to be Real. Like in Alice in Wonderland, there are a thousand signs pointing in different directions. I find myself flitting this way and that, looking continually for the right way, for truth, for authenticity. For congruence, integration, wholeness.
i want to be both vulnerable and strong, and find the security which doesn’t exclude the broken places. I want to reach those who I am meant to connect with.