Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘breaking through’

Reality, Dissociation, Trying To Figure It Out To The Point Of Obsession ( (Could Be A Trigger For Some Who Have Dissociative Elements)

I am trying to break through to feeling my own realness and the realness of others and my connections to them, because I think I have some type of mild dissociation…

maybe it is a form of “derealization” I have, but don’t know what the correct word would be.  But a lot of times it feels like a part of me is not there, and is awoken at certain times for a brief time before I fall back into my normal state if not feeling fully Real.  I don’t know, is this a common way of being although it is not often identified, or is this a part of my illness…even if it is a common way of feeling, could be an unrecognized illness that is not seen as such but is experienced by many in this broken world.  Anyway, it seems that there is a part of me or parts of me that have become dissociated from rest part I am most often aware of, and I am not working as a whole.  I am always as a result obsessing about what Reality is and who is the ” Real” me, and trying to sort real from unreal, in an obsessive compulsive mind game that I constantly play aweigh myself (yes I have OCD).  Is this the reason? Because of a dissociation? And how do I integrate on a more regular basis?  It’s not that I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), I don’t have separate distinct personalities who are unknown to each other, just separated aspects of myself.

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Separation

In this waiting room

In this cubicle

Walking down a deserted street

Floating in a black lake
Wondering if I drifted out too far
If I am caught in a rip current
That will keep me from getting back to shore.
My candle flickers
I cup my hands around it
To cover it,
Protect it from the southern winds
Focus intently on it
To keep the darkness from swallowing me.
The light came through cracks in the door
Through the dusty window
I keep my eyes on it
Training them not to waver.
But the light is on the other side
And the cracks are closing around themselves
The dust is growing thicker
The only way out is through they say
The only way out is through
Open the door, wide
Break the window glass
So no obstruction stands in between.
Nikki Ian

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