There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.
At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.
Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.
It flows through me like lava, burning my soul
It makes me want to shake and lose all control
Sometimes it breaks me, sometimes it makes me feel whole
It makes me live, when life has taken its toll
It wants what it wants but disappears at a whim
It teases and taunts and sometimes fills to the brim
To be there with it I have to go out on a limb
The way to contact it leads through the within
I write and talk to you and ask you to stay
I don’t want to bother you but I have so much to say
The cracks in the walls come out when we play
You know I’ll be there with you, come what may.
The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.
i want someone who can reach inside me and touch the wounds in a healing way, and connect as a whole person with the whole person who I am. Break me, soothe me, help me build back up. But not just anyone can do this.