I just posted this today on a website, am reposting it here: Musings on my deep desires romantically and sensually speaking with the right person: I think a relationship which is about trust and intimacy and consensual ly breaking each other’s walls down…and opening up to vulnerability…i want to be touched in a very deep and “sensually violating” way at times. Be taken, taken over, broken down and held
Posts tagged ‘desires’
I am still trying to figure out how the BDSM stuff comes into play for me in my life, and what my “romantic” needs are. I would like to find someone who can break me in the way I discussed in my previous posts about breaking, well, the first two…the “what is my fascination with breaking” one is a good description of something a big part of me seems to want. I would like to find the right person to explore things with. I have not found him yet. he would have to be someone I had a deep level of intimacy and trust with.
What is my fascination with “breaking” really? It can mean different things, but…here’s probably the biggest for me…
What is the fixation with breaking? With the concept of someone “breaking” me? It’s a fetish and a fixation but what exactly is it? I think it’s someone being intimate enough with me to understand my vulnerabilities, and “cracking the shell” so to speak, piercing through it, breaking me down to who I really am and to a raw and vulnerable and open state. Taking control of me in one sense, in the sense of being somewhat forceful and guiding me in it. And the person being there for me and supporting me through it and reassuring me that they are there. I think all this is what I mean when I say “break me” for the most part and in a deep way. And this has a lot in common with some therapies and spiritual initiations, except it for me has an intimate, romantic, sexual, element as well…and love is present.
What I realize I want on a deep level. To have someone really know and accept me on a deep level, light and dark, wholeness… To just be truly known, and cared for…to be understood to the extent possible, I know people can’t understand others perfectly, and certainly not at all times…to have someone engage with me on an intimate and also a sensual/ sexual level in a way that I need…lol, which I will not go into here In any detail.
Ok a couple of years ago I told a friend that I had come up with a theory of breaking…three types of breaking…
1) negative breaking… That is someone sets out to destroy you, to abuse you, to crucify you.
2) positive breaking… Someone breaks your walls down and opens you up, so you can feel again, so you can melt and dissolve and truly touch another person inside
3) borderline breaking… This is the razor’s edge between positive and negative, which is a dangerous but magical domain. This combines elements of both positive and negative, and it can be unclear whether this is “bad” or “good.” One can have very mixed feelings and this is the edge, the place where you are taken to a level you may be afraid of yet long for, or where you may hate someone for doing to you yet it may be the best thing anyone ever did to you, in one sense.