I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close
Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.
Sometimes I am able to sit in myself
At home in my skin
Grounded with a secure foundation
A lake to float in
Soft, present, and soothing
Sometimes, I am here.
Sometimes I glance around me
Gaze shifting this way and that
Unable to settle down
Nothing to hold and contain me.
Waiting, for the door to open
I glance at you
You look away
I want to hold your gaze in mine
And you to hold mine in yours.
I want you to hold me down
And I want to hold myself down
Stop this endless running.
There is a place that is unbroken.
I am trying to break through to feeling my own realness and the realness of others and my connections to them, because I think I have some type of mild dissociation…
maybe it is a form of “derealization” I have, but don’t know what the correct word would be. But a lot of times it feels like a part of me is not there, and is awoken at certain times for a brief time before I fall back into my normal state if not feeling fully Real. I don’t know, is this a common way of being although it is not often identified, or is this a part of my illness…even if it is a common way of feeling, could be an unrecognized illness that is not seen as such but is experienced by many in this broken world. Anyway, it seems that there is a part of me or parts of me that have become dissociated from rest part I am most often aware of, and I am not working as a whole. I am always as a result obsessing about what Reality is and who is the ” Real” me, and trying to sort real from unreal, in an obsessive compulsive mind game that I constantly play aweigh myself (yes I have OCD). Is this the reason? Because of a dissociation? And how do I integrate on a more regular basis? It’s not that I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), I don’t have separate distinct personalities who are unknown to each other, just separated aspects of myself.