Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘dissociation’

See Me (Trigger Warning…could cause anxiety) dissociation you could say

I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close

Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.

Kitty (a short story experiment,which may not be finished yet)

Kitty had always been quiet.  She elt fragile around people.  She felt like she was made of glass, that she could be broken and shattered.  She felt transparent, that people could see through her and would shove her violently aside and use her for their own purposes; think she was an empty space that they could fill with whatever they wanted; judge her reality as worthless, and easily dismissible.  

 

So she kept to herself.  She held herself off, built walls and barriers.  She disguised herself as much as possible because she did not want to break and she did not want to be obliterated.  She lived in a secret world, where no one could see in.  

 

But after a while she couldn’t see in either a good part of the time.  

 

Her sadness and isolation is evidenced in her eyes at times.  Sometimes they are blank though; veiled, inscrutable, indecipherable.  

 

But deep down, there is a part of her that knows there is something else.  Something other than THIS.  Sometimes, she catches glimpses of it.  

 

Sometimes her eyes get a focused look to them, a door opens, light comes shimmering through the cracks.  

 

Sometimes she wants someone to see inside.  She made herself invisible, but she is tired of being invisible.  She wants someone to come in, who is different than the others.  She wants to be safe and held.  She is tired of disappearing.  

Catch Me

Sometimes I am able to sit in myself

At home in my skin

Grounded with a secure foundation

A lake to float in

Soft, present, and soothing

Sometimes, I am here.

Sometimes I glance around me

Gaze shifting this way and that

Unable to settle down

Nothing to hold and contain me.

Waiting, for the door to open

I glance at you

You look away

I want to hold your gaze in mine

And you to hold mine in yours.

I want you to hold me down

And I want to hold myself down

Stop this endless running.

There is a place that is unbroken.

Reality, Dissociation, Trying To Figure It Out To The Point Of Obsession ( (Could Be A Trigger For Some Who Have Dissociative Elements)

I am trying to break through to feeling my own realness and the realness of others and my connections to them, because I think I have some type of mild dissociation…

maybe it is a form of “derealization” I have, but don’t know what the correct word would be.  But a lot of times it feels like a part of me is not there, and is awoken at certain times for a brief time before I fall back into my normal state if not feeling fully Real.  I don’t know, is this a common way of being although it is not often identified, or is this a part of my illness…even if it is a common way of feeling, could be an unrecognized illness that is not seen as such but is experienced by many in this broken world.  Anyway, it seems that there is a part of me or parts of me that have become dissociated from rest part I am most often aware of, and I am not working as a whole.  I am always as a result obsessing about what Reality is and who is the ” Real” me, and trying to sort real from unreal, in an obsessive compulsive mind game that I constantly play aweigh myself (yes I have OCD).  Is this the reason? Because of a dissociation? And how do I integrate on a more regular basis?  It’s not that I have DID (dissociative identity disorder), I don’t have separate distinct personalities who are unknown to each other, just separated aspects of myself.

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