Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘frustration’

Wanting To Be Found (short story)

She had always been a sensitive person, and when people mistreated her, which happened often, it felt as if she was being torn apart, crushed, and that she became nothing.  The fragile tendrils attempting to reach out for sunlight, her desires for affection, respect, and connection with her fellow humans, were constantly thwarted.  People made fun of her for who she was, judged her and found her lacking, used her and exploited her, and rejected her when she developed a longing for someone.  So, as she grew into an adult after a lifetime of this, having it constantly drilled into her head that there was something wrong with her and that she did not deserve what she wanted and needed most of all, she slowly built a shell to hide inside.  To keep the world, and life itself, from touching her.  It was a hard shell, she blocked the vulnerability that she had been taught to fear.  For a time, it felt like a solution.  She  felt secure in there, calm and impenetrable, not hurtable.  

 

But before long this security turned to oppression, she felt disconnected from the only thing that made her feel alive, that she desired most of all, because deep down she felt that it wasn’t safe to want it.  She felt buried alive, and her obsession became obtaining freedom, at any cost.  

 

All she wanted any more was for the shell to break, to shatter, to be rescued and truly touched, Inside, again.  

Sustenance (Poem)

There’s so much I want to say

So much of Reality that I would like to put words and images to
To make manifest in forms
But the waters are murky and muddy
And the picture hidden from view
Bang my head against the wall
The glass needs breaking
Like a coconut, hard to crack
Surrounded
And encased

In a hard shell

The warm liquid inside is sustenance
But the shell…
It’s hard to break.
I want to be
Where the waters intermingle
Where the colors flash and shine
As what they are
As the multiple facets, indispensable
Of the one Reality
Inviolate,undisturbed,yet open,soft,and yielding
Real.

Kitty (a short story experiment,which may not be finished yet)

Kitty had always been quiet.  She elt fragile around people.  She felt like she was made of glass, that she could be broken and shattered.  She felt transparent, that people could see through her and would shove her violently aside and use her for their own purposes; think she was an empty space that they could fill with whatever they wanted; judge her reality as worthless, and easily dismissible.  

 

So she kept to herself.  She held herself off, built walls and barriers.  She disguised herself as much as possible because she did not want to break and she did not want to be obliterated.  She lived in a secret world, where no one could see in.  

 

But after a while she couldn’t see in either a good part of the time.  

 

Her sadness and isolation is evidenced in her eyes at times.  Sometimes they are blank though; veiled, inscrutable, indecipherable.  

 

But deep down, there is a part of her that knows there is something else.  Something other than THIS.  Sometimes, she catches glimpses of it.  

 

Sometimes her eyes get a focused look to them, a door opens, light comes shimmering through the cracks.  

 

Sometimes she wants someone to see inside.  She made herself invisible, but she is tired of being invisible.  She wants someone to come in, who is different than the others.  She wants to be safe and held.  She is tired of disappearing.  

Empowerment, And, Frustration

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The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there.  Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts.  But it is not ME.  I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it.  Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself.  In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all).  Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up.  Have to let the ego and perfectionism go.  But I am not nothing.  

 

What am I? I am what I am.  

 

Anyway, always looking for what’s Real.  What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment.  What’s important will come back.  I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done.  Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.  

 

Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess.  So what.  I am me, not them.  As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.

I Don’t Accept It Anymore

Someday, the person who connects with me in the ways I am looking for and who does not turn away will be with me.  I will not run after anyone anymore who doesn’t want to engage.  I dont have to constantly be Abandoned and decided I am not Worth it to someone.  I have more determination and will then some may give me credit for, I don’t have to accept rejection as a way of life, and, I will not.

My Take On “Negative Emotions”

I am NOT a “happy happy joy joy” kind of person, who believes in suppressing “negative” emotions and honestly it pushes my buttons whenever I feel someone is judging me for that. I embrace the positive, I work with the negative and accept that it will sometimes be there. That is not the same as surrendering to it. The reality is, I HAD A MAJOR HEARTBREAK very very recently, and I am not ashamed of my emotions. I am trying to work through it and recover, at my own pace. No one else’s. I will, however, look to the positive when possible and find hope and strength when and where I can, for myself, and also to be a positive force in the lives of people suffering who I may be able to help.

 

Burned

Done with lies

Done with cries

I slam the door and cut the ties

 

My eyes are gouged out

My ears securely covered

 

Forget everything you meant, the fire has turned to ash

You never did quite hear me

And it poisoned me and made me ill

I may be sick all on my own

I tried with you too long

And it’s hopeless now I guess

So I will burn the bridge and forget you exist

I would like to destroy myself

And this world.

 

 

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