Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘hurt’

Trigger Warning: Thoughts from just before in a bad state, my mood has since changed.

Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:

Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.

This is how I feel. If it will disturb you, don’t read.

I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.

“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down

Self Doubt. Can Anyone Be And Stay Interested In Me.

Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.

Reflections On Relationships, Getting Hurt, And Next Steps (trigger warning for some people)

What is connection? 

I wanted to really connect with a particular person who at first seemed open to it but then decided against it, it feels.  Sometimes I feel the feeling of the connection.  Then I wonder, am I feeling it? Or am I feeling something just in me unfelt by the other person.  And I think about how I had wanted something a lot and it was taken away.  The door was shut.  I wanted a level of personal ness and depth perhaps, and  bonding that perhaps thjus person just is not open to with me.  

All I can think is a) if this person is not open to it, all I can do is know what is real in ME that can’t be taken by anyone else, and that I CAN have in the future with someone who IS open to it, and, b), that IF the connection between me and this one person truly is real for both of us and not only me, (and including me, because I sometimes don’t know what connections are real for ME and which are not), then be will reconnect.  

In the meantime I must accept where things are at and that I may just have to let my dreams of a deeper connection with this person go and just crept what IS there and let the rest go.  Yes I know I repeated myself here.  

Fear Again…Abandonment

Honestly…I am afraid that just when I thought maybe I was safe, that I am getting abandoned…that I have scared someone off…can I be me including the vulnerable part, can I trust, can I have what I need? Tears in my eyes…frustration…could be just irrational thought and fer.  But if so I need to HEAR it from this person.  Otherwise…

Haiku “The World At Large”

The World’s coldness stings

I wrap in a large blanket

Curl up and peer out.ImageImage

Haiku “Shame”

Shame’s shadow erases

Misunderstanding abounds

I am broken now.

 

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Know What You’re Made Of

Know What You're Made Of

I Don’t Accept It Anymore

Someday, the person who connects with me in the ways I am looking for and who does not turn away will be with me.  I will not run after anyone anymore who doesn’t want to engage.  I dont have to constantly be Abandoned and decided I am not Worth it to someone.  I have more determination and will then some may give me credit for, I don’t have to accept rejection as a way of life, and, I will not.

An Open Letter To My Ex Friend. Names Will Not Be Mentioned. Please Excuse The Mistakes Of AutoCorrect, I A

I am letting go.  There is no relationship between us any more.  We never really were meeting each other, overall, during the relationship.  And now the trust that I did have and wanted to buildbayou broke it. I’m sure you would say the same of me.  So the relationship is broken now, I am becoming freer and freer.  I am connecting with other people in meaningful wayssee trying to keep some kind of relationship with you is not serving me.  I guess you thought you were doing the best thing for both of us, and I guess it is turning out to be true.  I am no longer tied to you.  My hopes and dreams are untangling themselves from you.  I tried everything I could to reach out to you despite your silence to break the wall but as we talked about a long time ago the other person has to be willing to have their wall broken and you are not, so I release you.  There is no relationship since you have made sure of that with your almost complete silence.  I will look to others for what I need since you never really wanted to give it and you feel so differently about relating to yourself and others than me in certain big ways.  And you blamed ME so much of the time.  You think I am the one who needs to grow and change.  Yes I do…but my ex friend, so do you.  and I am no longer beating my head against the wall trying to please you or make you see I am worth sticking by and connecting with..  

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