Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘identity’

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My Obsession With Reality…Colorful Writing

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Reflections On BDSM, Submission, Who I Am And Am Not, Love, Etc. Just Sorting Through Some Stuff Here

I wonder about some things.  For example, the submissive aspect of me, what that entails for me.  I know I want to love and be loved, and to be understood, cared for, comforted when needed, reassured, shared with, depth, closeness, intimacy…and for me and the other person to be able to break through walls of the other person to be vulnerable and to feel.  But they’re is the submissive side, what exactly does that entail? Is that a fantasy to have someone who can at times (not always) take control, guide and lead me, physically and emotionally? Is it the “sensual domination” and wanting to be held down and restrained? Is it a desire to have someone who knows me well enough to break my defenses down and have me be vulnerable with them? 

 

Some people are in twenty four seven dominant/sub relationships where that is an integral aspect of the bond and is always present…I guess it’s a bond of trust and for the submissive, being able to submit yourself, totally trust and be open with someone, give yourself to them, and have someone know you that we’ll and care for you to the extent that you open yourself up in a way you wouldn’t with anyone else.  And for the dominant having someone trust you that totally, let you inside their walls, devote themselves and give themselves over…   Those aspects I can understand and relate to…

 

i think i am a little confused as to whether the twenty four seven dynamic would be right for me or not.  I kind of think it wouldn’t be because I don’t know that I could give up that much control and put myself at the mercy of another to that extent…and I know one thing, I’d have to hold onto myself and my own sense of strength from within…whether or not I could do that in a twenty four seven D/S relationship, I am confused about, and don’t know enough about “The lifestyle”… Or my own tolerance and limits.  I know one thing though, to submit to someone like that I’d have to really have a strong sense of connection, love, and trust, and that I would still be intact, and be able to become more of who I am, not less…

 

 

one day at a time…I’m not sure the answers right now.  

Empowerment, And, Frustration

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The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there.  Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts.  But it is not ME.  I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it.  Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself.  In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all).  Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up.  Have to let the ego and perfectionism go.  But I am not nothing.  

 

What am I? I am what I am.  

 

Anyway, always looking for what’s Real.  What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment.  What’s important will come back.  I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done.  Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.  

 

Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess.  So what.  I am me, not them.  As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.

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