There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.
Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.
Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.
I want to have someone in my life who we both respect one another’s vulnerabilities and anxieties and insecurities and we comfort one another, and where we also know one another’s strengths and share mutual respect and building the other up.
do not turn me away in my moments of weakness please.
The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.