Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘intrusive thoughts’

Empowerment, And, Frustration

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The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there.  Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts.  But it is not ME.  I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it.  Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself.  In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all).  Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up.  Have to let the ego and perfectionism go.  But I am not nothing.  

 

What am I? I am what I am.  

 

Anyway, always looking for what’s Real.  What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment.  What’s important will come back.  I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done.  Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.  

 

Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess.  So what.  I am me, not them.  As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.

The Kind Of OCD I Have

A lot of my OCD is mental obsessions, and compulsive thinking about them, mental “checking” on my ideas about myself and relationships, and, relationship obsessions and compulsions of needing reassurance that I am cared for.

but yes I also have behavioral rituals too, which I had REALLY bad at certain points, not so bad right now.  I have magical thinking, where the intrusive thoughts tell me someone will die or suffer if I do not do a ritual to protect them, my responsibility.  A lot of this is little repetitive things, number related things, and just following the OCD’s dictates.  I had a breakdown over this in 2008.

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