Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘low self-esteem’

Self Doubt. Can Anyone Be And Stay Interested In Me.

Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.

Confessional…past history. Could be triggering. Please be careful if you need to.

I probably carry scars I am not fully aware of from my sexual experiences in high school…although I wasn’t raped, and outwardly consented to things, i was exploited, taken advantage of, and mistreated in so many ways.  And then there was my unhealthy friendship history, of either having no friends, ones who I wasn’t a big part of their lives, or in one case, who I clung to and depended on but she just treated me like shit for a year and a half.

Always searched for things in intimate relationships that were not given.  Betrayed by people who should’ve cared but I looked in the wrong places for the love affection and understanding I craved.  I never had a satisfying relationship with my father, we were not close, I had fear of him, and also he was not much there because my parents separated at age eight.  This must play some role in my abandonment issues and relationship turbulence and history.

and why did I allow myself to be so used and abused in high school? A big part was destroyed self esteem from feeling totally rejected and bullied socially.

i know there may be some who would wish to hear more detailed account instead of a general account.  May provide more details and in depth thought later, right now, I just finished earlier telling someone all kinds of things, yes in detail from my past, and don’t have the energy at this moment to go through it again.

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