Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘mental illness’

“Break Me Open” poem

Break Me Open

I wait here for the doors to open
I welcome the release
The crack in the wall is my freedom

Smashing of boundaries
Wide open spaces
Where artificial fixtures

Finally no longer stand.

Surrender.
The storm.
The hurricane.
Smashes the house

And the gates fall
The structure crumbles
And my world appears intact,
Again.

So blast it open.
Penetration!
Break
It
Down

Tear me apart
Hurt me!
Because my world is not real,
Is not real!

Break me,
So I can live.
Hold me down,
So I can be safe,
And not float away.

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A Piece Of My History (Homeless And Mentally Ill In San Francisco)

shatteredandshining says:
July 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I was homeless at times during a seven year period I lived in San Francisco from age 18 to 25. I didn’t usually sleep outside, but slept in a multitude of places from crashing in places of people who I had just met that day and going to a different place every night or few nights, to staying in squat houses, to crashing in a friend’s truck and an office building. I did sleep in the outdoors a little bit, in the park a couple of times for week to two week periods, and on the actual streets just a few nights. One thing was that I was never physically alone (though mentally, I was). I always had fellow humans to stay with/crash with/ camp out with. One night, just one, I stayed on the beach dunes alone.

In the times when I wasn’t homeless I often lived at run down welfare hotels, called SRO’s (single room occupancy).

The whole time I lived there I think I may have only lived in regular apartments (rooms for rent with rotates) twice, for a month or two at a time on both occasions.

I indeed was mentally ill from when I was twenty one. I suffered recurring bad depression, severe anxiety, and some mild dissociation, oh, and my primary diagnosis, OCD.

I was helped by an organization started by a very compassionate woman, whose name was Mary Kate Connor, who was a survivor of clinical depression herself. The organization was called Caduceus Outreach Services. It was to help the homeless mentally ill and those who couldn’t get mental health services elsewhere. They had psychiatrists who volunteered their time. I was far from cured and still suffered but they were a degree of stability in a very unstable internal world.

I associated a lot of my time with people who were homeless, near homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted, etc. it was quite a world. I had numerous romantic relationships that never worked out.

When I was twenty five, in 1999, my time there was up, I felt it was time to move on, and I returned to New Jersey, from which I’d come, and where I had family. I’ve been there since, I have a stable living situation for more than a decade now. I still struggle with mental illness issues, but am a thousand times more stable than I was then.

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Thoughts On Abandonment Fears…How Can I Keep From Being Broken By Them

I realize how broken I can become by my insecurities and fears and vulnerability in the face of loss of a relationship. There’s no way really to have the kind of absolute security I crave even though there are relationships with a significant amount of security involved. So what can I do about these fears of mine and this pain that comes with it…and then in tow the relationship sabotaging if I put too much pressure on someone? I have to learn and internalize that I can’t control the person, if the connection is real and meant to last and i am important to them and they to me, it will, if not, it won’t, and if not, I don’t need it. If it is, it is great. If it is not, that’s not the relationship I need, I need to be valued and cared for. I can’t have absolute security, and if I really like someone and care about them I can be accommodating to their difficulty, and not pressure them into a place they are not comfortable with, And not be demanding. But if someone turns out to just not really want me in their life, I have to have faith that love is still available to me with or without that person. Because it hurts so much to fear them rejecting me. I have abandonment issues. Emotions are intense and they hurt. But this life is not a cakewalk, and I have to get through best I can.

love is real…despite whether a specific person chooses to love me or care for me, or if they change their mind about me.

And of course I do the black and white thinking and catastrophizing, thinking that just because someone may have times they have difficulty remembering their ability to connect with me, that it is all hopeless. Those ups and downs are part of things.

i have value. So do you.

Trauma and Spirituality…reblogged.

Trauma and Spirituality….

My Views About Mental Health And The Pro Versus Anti Psychiatry Debate, Seeing The In Betweens

People must have a real alternative if they are to not use modern psychiatry, and most of the holistic treatments and especially retreats are too expensive. Real alternatives.

Now me, myself, I am not against the treatments of modern psychiatry if they help someone (including me because I feel I benefit from psych meds), although of course I AM against abuses and neglects within the system that happen frequently and I am against dehumanization and disempowerment of people by treating us as if we are incompetents, children, or the worst, non-persons. I am also against PUSHING meds on people who find that other things help them more. I mean meds can help and I find it unfortunate when people who DO need meds and would be helped by them refuse to take them, but there are some who find for themselves that other things are what makes their personal realities enter places to be, and that meds are detrimental for them. And there are also those who have experienced traumatization at the hands of “mental health professionals,” and for them meds and the system are just not doable sometimes, and they have that right to do what thy need to do to take care of THEMSELVES in the way that feels best for them, including if that does NOT include meds or the system.

It’s all about choice and empowerment of the individual, whether that includes meds and psychiatry, or doesn’t.

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My Obsession With Reality…Colorful Writing

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Thoughts Floating Through

Mindfulness…let my thoughts come, go, come, float through like clouds in the sky…let them go, let them come, don’t cling to them, the important ones, they will come back, (as well as the obsessive ones lol)… I am not destroyed I still am and will be…live in the moment, what is important is not lost, I will not be destroyed

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