That last blog was venting, and feeling bad. I am in one of “those moods.” Hopefully it won’t last long, but this world and its alienation and loneliness gets to me. I get sick of trying to reach out and barely get a response. What the fuck is wrong with this world I wonder sometimes. And, judge if you want to for having the audacity to think people could actually connect with me in ways I keep wanting them to. Judge me for having desire and needs.
If you don’t like these words, whoever may be reading, sorry.
Maybe my mood will be better later.
The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there. Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts. But it is not ME. I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it. Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself. In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all). Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up. Have to let the ego and perfectionism go. But I am not nothing.
What am I? I am what I am.
Anyway, always looking for what’s Real. What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment. What’s important will come back. I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done. Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.
Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess. So what. I am me, not them. As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.