Mindfulness…let my thoughts come, go, come, float through like clouds in the sky…let them go, let them come, don’t cling to them, the important ones, they will come back, (as well as the obsessive ones lol)… I am not destroyed I still am and will be…live in the moment, what is important is not lost, I will not be destroyed
Posts tagged ‘Ocd’
Honestly…I am afraid that just when I thought maybe I was safe, that I am getting abandoned…that I have scared someone off…can I be me including the vulnerable part, can I trust, can I have what I need? Tears in my eyes…frustration…could be just irrational thought and fer. But if so I need to HEAR it from this person. Otherwise…
The OCD is part of me,it’s real, it’s there. Chronic doubts, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts. But it is not ME. I am a lot more than it. I am beyond it. Right now, having the urge to remember and go over my thoughts about myself. In me I have what is real, what is beautiful and meaningful, inside (as do we all). Even though I get away from it sometimes, or worried that I don’t measure up. Have to let the ego and perfectionism go. But I am not nothing.
What am I? I am what I am.
Anyway, always looking for what’s Real. What’s Real is there, but can’t be grasped by clinging to my thoughts about what is Real and not letting go and just being in the moment. What’s important will come back. I can’t hold on to my vision constantly, it hurts to let go of my tight grasp on my thoughts but has to be done. Why is Reality always slipping from me? It is so damn FRUSTRATING.
Most people, do not understand my thought process I guess. So what. I am me, not them. As long as I have those who DO understand, I can deal with that.
The lights flicker, on and off
I dance trying to keep in tune
I don’t always have control over the switch
Sometimes there is a break in the circuit
Left scrambling to hold on
Flow punctuated by empty spaces
Cracks in my tapestry
Useless worry, derailing me
To keep connection from severing
This is different than the healing space
The place I want to fall into
To renew my perception again,
A lot of my OCD is mental obsessions, and compulsive thinking about them, mental “checking” on my ideas about myself and relationships, and, relationship obsessions and compulsions of needing reassurance that I am cared for.
but yes I also have behavioral rituals too, which I had REALLY bad at certain points, not so bad right now. I have magical thinking, where the intrusive thoughts tell me someone will die or suffer if I do not do a ritual to protect them, my responsibility. A lot of this is little repetitive things, number related things, and just following the OCD’s dictates. I had a breakdown over this in 2008.
My writing will tell my story. I want to speak out about my pain, struggles, desires, and learning process, to both be known to others, and to break walls and let people know they’re not alone.
A lot of times I am like a bouncing ball, here, there, all over the place, trying to be Real. Like in Alice in Wonderland, there are a thousand signs pointing in different directions. I find myself flitting this way and that, looking continually for the right way, for truth, for authenticity. For congruence, integration, wholeness.
i want to be both vulnerable and strong, and find the security which doesn’t exclude the broken places. I want to reach those who I am meant to connect with.
If people can’t understand me or who I really am, maybe I shouldn’t blame them or dwell on them, because not everybody is at a place where they CAN do this. I know who I am. And even what I do not know, I still am what I am. Just attract those who get it, and me, and let go of the others.
Sometimes someone else can see and point out the good in us that we do not see. This happened to me recently. I felt that someone saw, accepted, and encouraged me, someone I have a lot of respect for. May it continue.
Sometimes in the search for Ultimate Reality one can get too caught up in that, and dismiss THE REST of Reality.
i am MORE than my mental illness, yet I HAVE a mental illness. I am not just like everybody else, yet, I am.