Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘pain’

Trigger Warning: Thoughts from just before in a bad state, my mood has since changed.

Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:

Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.

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Abandonment

The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.

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