What is the fixation with breaking? With the concept of someone “breaking” me? It’s a fetish and a fixation but what exactly is it? I think it’s someone being intimate enough with me to understand my vulnerabilities, and “cracking the shell” so to speak, piercing through it, breaking me down to who I really am and to a raw and vulnerable and open state. Taking control of me in one sense, in the sense of being somewhat forceful and guiding me in it. And the person being there for me and supporting me through it and reassuring me that they are there. I think all this is what I mean when I say “break me” for the most part and in a deep way. And this has a lot in common with some therapies and spiritual initiations, except it for me has an intimate, romantic, sexual, element as well…and love is present.
I wonder about some things. For example, the submissive aspect of me, what that entails for me. I know I want to love and be loved, and to be understood, cared for, comforted when needed, reassured, shared with, depth, closeness, intimacy…and for me and the other person to be able to break through walls of the other person to be vulnerable and to feel. But they’re is the submissive side, what exactly does that entail? Is that a fantasy to have someone who can at times (not always) take control, guide and lead me, physically and emotionally? Is it the “sensual domination” and wanting to be held down and restrained? Is it a desire to have someone who knows me well enough to break my defenses down and have me be vulnerable with them?
Some people are in twenty four seven dominant/sub relationships where that is an integral aspect of the bond and is always present…I guess it’s a bond of trust and for the submissive, being able to submit yourself, totally trust and be open with someone, give yourself to them, and have someone know you that we’ll and care for you to the extent that you open yourself up in a way you wouldn’t with anyone else. And for the dominant having someone trust you that totally, let you inside their walls, devote themselves and give themselves over… Those aspects I can understand and relate to…
i think i am a little confused as to whether the twenty four seven dynamic would be right for me or not. I kind of think it wouldn’t be because I don’t know that I could give up that much control and put myself at the mercy of another to that extent…and I know one thing, I’d have to hold onto myself and my own sense of strength from within…whether or not I could do that in a twenty four seven D/S relationship, I am confused about, and don’t know enough about “The lifestyle”… Or my own tolerance and limits. I know one thing though, to submit to someone like that I’d have to really have a strong sense of connection, love, and trust, and that I would still be intact, and be able to become more of who I am, not less…
one day at a time…I’m not sure the answers right now.
If people can’t understand me or who I really am, maybe I shouldn’t blame them or dwell on them, because not everybody is at a place where they CAN do this. I know who I am. And even what I do not know, I still am what I am. Just attract those who get it, and me, and let go of the others.
Sometimes someone else can see and point out the good in us that we do not see. This happened to me recently. I felt that someone saw, accepted, and encouraged me, someone I have a lot of respect for. May it continue.
Sometimes in the search for Ultimate Reality one can get too caught up in that, and dismiss THE REST of Reality.
i am MORE than my mental illness, yet I HAVE a mental illness. I am not just like everybody else, yet, I am.