Break me sensually. Then hold me and comfort me while I shake….
Another fantasy. Sharing and opening ourselves to one another. Including our light and dark aspects, happiness and sadness…
Let me open up to you. Open up to me. Let me trust you and take me to levels of passion, vulnerability and surrender. Take me for all of me, and let me take you for all of you. If you want me to learn certain things to make you happy, I will do my best.
Let me be who I am, and respect me.
I am still learning..,a long way to go..one thing, I am submissive in aspects of me, but definitely not a slave. I couldn’t surrender my whole will and life to another person twenty four/seven. I need to have strength in myself and a sense of who I am, and I know myself and what I need better than anyone in a lot of ways. I want to express the aspect that is submissive, but I also want to be an individual and have my own sense of strength and self within me, plus I have yet to find someone I could totally entrust everything in me to, lol. This is where I am at now, I am not judging anyone or trying to speak for anyone else, this is just where I personally am at.
I want to find someone who I really connect with on a heart and soul level, first and foremost, someone who can know, accept, understand, and love me…but I also want them to have a dominant side, where they can take control and guide me at times, protect me, comfort me, and push my limits at times and help me break through. I want to be able to give myself, and know I will be Safe and Loved.
I want to be able to at times submit in a sensual and sexual sense…to play and be taken control of, and overcome. I want to be able to experience surrender. I want to give myself over and be taken over at certain times.
Also it’s possible that with the right person, I could switch, too, IF he wanted me to….
Where I’m at
I realize how broken I can become by my insecurities and fears and vulnerability in the face of loss of a relationship. There’s no way really to have the kind of absolute security I crave even though there are relationships with a significant amount of security involved. So what can I do about these fears of mine and this pain that comes with it…and then in tow the relationship sabotaging if I put too much pressure on someone? I have to learn and internalize that I can’t control the person, if the connection is real and meant to last and i am important to them and they to me, it will, if not, it won’t, and if not, I don’t need it. If it is, it is great. If it is not, that’s not the relationship I need, I need to be valued and cared for. I can’t have absolute security, and if I really like someone and care about them I can be accommodating to their difficulty, and not pressure them into a place they are not comfortable with, And not be demanding. But if someone turns out to just not really want me in their life, I have to have faith that love is still available to me with or without that person. Because it hurts so much to fear them rejecting me. I have abandonment issues. Emotions are intense and they hurt. But this life is not a cakewalk, and I have to get through best I can.
love is real…despite whether a specific person chooses to love me or care for me, or if they change their mind about me.
And of course I do the black and white thinking and catastrophizing, thinking that just because someone may have times they have difficulty remembering their ability to connect with me, that it is all hopeless. Those ups and downs are part of things.
i have value. So do you.
What is connection?
I wanted to really connect with a particular person who at first seemed open to it but then decided against it, it feels. Sometimes I feel the feeling of the connection. Then I wonder, am I feeling it? Or am I feeling something just in me unfelt by the other person. And I think about how I had wanted something a lot and it was taken away. The door was shut. I wanted a level of personal ness and depth perhaps, and bonding that perhaps thjus person just is not open to with me.
All I can think is a) if this person is not open to it, all I can do is know what is real in ME that can’t be taken by anyone else, and that I CAN have in the future with someone who IS open to it, and, b), that IF the connection between me and this one person truly is real for both of us and not only me, (and including me, because I sometimes don’t know what connections are real for ME and which are not), then be will reconnect.
In the meantime I must accept where things are at and that I may just have to let my dreams of a deeper connection with this person go and just crept what IS there and let the rest go. Yes I know I repeated myself here.
I need to be with someone who sees the good in me, and the negative side of me, and loves me, for me. Someone who is drawn to the happiness, joy and light within me…and also the pain and vulnerability, the aspects of me that are broken, the whole being inside…I want to be with someone who is willing to watch me break open and wants to touch me deep inside. I need to be with someone who knows I want to be there for them and respect their needs, and who will respect mine. Sometimes I get needy, sometimes I get insecure, I have fears that sometimes take over. That is not all there is to me, and I have strength inside…but sometimes, I break. And sometimes, I want to be able to break. Both because it is a real part of me, and…then there is the “positive breaking” too…but right now I’m talking about the fact that I need security and comfort for the broken parts. Of course, no one s perfect and can be there for me perfectly, or can just take on all my insecurities. But respect for my vulnerability.
think i would say Good breaking would be where there is break-through, basically….to healing or new or re contacted levels of Reality, the self, being, love, etc. bad breaking where yes where it just shatters and tortures you, and where there is no point. Borderline breaking would be where it is both bad and good at the same time, where you are put through an experience that shakes you up deeply or shatters you in a painful way and a wounding or devastating way but where at the same time you have a breakthrough in the process, or where there is “violent rescue” I might say like in my poem. Also I would extend this idea of three kinds of breaking to happen in some intimate relationships too.
good breaking in relationships…sometimes when you want to break down your walls and defenses with another person or for someone else to do it to you in a way that allows healing and vulnerability and shedding of pretenses and glass bubbles, etc. sometimes you want to be able to break down and let it out (the pain, tension, pent up feelings inside) and have someone hold you and be there for you, and, sometimes you want the life in you to flow through you un impeded and break the stultifying dams inside you. Sometimes you want your armour to be pierced and to lose your habitual self imprisoned in stagnant thought structures, to be destroyed so to speak but not truly in the way you might normally think of that word, tO be…broken…with love…
it is the good breaking in regards to relationships I wanted to talk about here…I think we all know what the bad breaking is in relationships. Where someone abuses you, sets out to destroy you (in the conventional sense of the word), to ruin everything you are…
borderline breaking is of course when someone deeply hurts and devastates you in a relationship but where there is still a connection which has intimacy and caring within it, despite its ambiguous nature.
I want to have someone in my life who we both respect one another’s vulnerabilities and anxieties and insecurities and we comfort one another, and where we also know one another’s strengths and share mutual respect and building the other up.
do not turn me away in my moments of weakness please.
The screws tighten again …I follow this winding, curving path…I keep getting entranced by dreams…taunting me, mocking me, they caress my hair…do I turn to you for comfort…I sit in silence…chanting my own name…looking for a memory…to remind me who I am…to remind me of safety…always trying to bridge the gaps…I don’t want to be left behind again…left behind and swallowed in dirt….dust clinging to my eyelashes, saturating my eyes, my vision…blinding me to all but emptiness and abandonment…in my dreams the waves overtake me…swept out to sea and sudden death…I am always fighting…tired of walking in the desert approaching what I think is an oasis…only to find a cruel mirage…where is solace….where is what life should be…where are you…why do I call your name, only to hear my own echo …but it’s not me…and it’s not you….where…are…we…do not let me go…do not let me go.
I really have to accept that it is over and done. He is not open to me any more or any further breakthroughs. He said it. He is done. I have to realize he is not who I wanted him to be, and he is not wanting of what I thought I saw in him. I have to move on to being myself separately and looking to new relationships and possibilities of relationships for the connections I truly need and want. That’s all I can do. I wanted to include him but he doesn’t want to be included. God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. God help me let go and let God (you). God please help me and please help him