I will continuously strive to break my own walls and masks. I have social anxiety. I am always (well, NOT ALWAYS) hiding in a shell and protecting myself. Yes, I will continue to protect myself when called for. However, this is a big barrier for me. So I will try to break it sometimes. yesterday I sang karaoke at my day program. I get very nervous and self conscious about singing, and when I do perform, I get blocked by inhibition and it often doesn’t come out right. Still, I risked it, because I really wanted to sing, and I said fuck it. I didn’t feel I did my best, and I sang off key a few times. But so what. I can be me, I don’t have to be perfect.
Posts tagged ‘social anxiety’
The World’s coldness stings
I wrap in a large blanket
Kitty had always been quiet. She elt fragile around people. She felt like she was made of glass, that she could be broken and shattered. She felt transparent, that people could see through her and would shove her violently aside and use her for their own purposes; think she was an empty space that they could fill with whatever they wanted; judge her reality as worthless, and easily dismissible.
So she kept to herself. She held herself off, built walls and barriers. She disguised herself as much as possible because she did not want to break and she did not want to be obliterated. She lived in a secret world, where no one could see in.
But after a while she couldn’t see in either a good part of the time.
Her sadness and isolation is evidenced in her eyes at times. Sometimes they are blank though; veiled, inscrutable, indecipherable.
But deep down, there is a part of her that knows there is something else. Something other than THIS. Sometimes, she catches glimpses of it.
Sometimes her eyes get a focused look to them, a door opens, light comes shimmering through the cracks.
Sometimes she wants someone to see inside. She made herself invisible, but she is tired of being invisible. She wants someone to come in, who is different than the others. She wants to be safe and held. She is tired of disappearing.