More about the breaking…it is not just a “BDSM” sexual thing..there is reality on multiple levels. And they interconnect…breaking is a part and a pathway to connection with our self inside, and with another on a deep level, and to broader awareness. It is not destructive. It is healing and freeing. Liberation, release. Sometimes breaking is good. Sometimes we need to break…break through…it does not always mean breakdown or destruction, at least not in the negative, tormenting sense. Words can’t capture the essence. But the word for me is important…I have my little fixations.
Breaking open. That is a good way to put it.
The BDSM aspect…that is another aspect. I am trying, to figure out how it all relates, ties….where reality lies. As usual.
My writing will tell my story. I want to speak out about my pain, struggles, desires, and learning process, to both be known to others, and to break walls and let people know they’re not alone.
A lot of times I am like a bouncing ball, here, there, all over the place, trying to be Real. Like in Alice in Wonderland, there are a thousand signs pointing in different directions. I find myself flitting this way and that, looking continually for the right way, for truth, for authenticity. For congruence, integration, wholeness.
i want to be both vulnerable and strong, and find the security which doesn’t exclude the broken places. I want to reach those who I am meant to connect with.
If people can’t understand me or who I really am, maybe I shouldn’t blame them or dwell on them, because not everybody is at a place where they CAN do this. I know who I am. And even what I do not know, I still am what I am. Just attract those who get it, and me, and let go of the others.
Sometimes someone else can see and point out the good in us that we do not see. This happened to me recently. I felt that someone saw, accepted, and encouraged me, someone I have a lot of respect for. May it continue.
Sometimes in the search for Ultimate Reality one can get too caught up in that, and dismiss THE REST of Reality.
i am MORE than my mental illness, yet I HAVE a mental illness. I am not just like everybody else, yet, I am.