Personal Expression, Release, and Exploration of the theme of "Breaking"

Posts tagged ‘unhealthy relationships’


Just Trying To Break Through

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Just Trying To Break Through

by shatteredandshining

Trying to go within today and deal with my wounds and try to get closer to what is real to me and get a better understanding, reached out one last time yesterday to the ex friend who has abandoned thoroughly our friendship, was rejected, he told the person who passed along the message that he was my well wisher but he was completely closed forever to anything else.  He just views me as a manipulator who he has to be totally free of.  I too need to be totally free of him.  All he does is cause pain and stand in the distance.  I am getting stronger.

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An Open Letter To My Ex Friend. Names Will Not Be Mentioned. Please Excuse The Mistakes Of AutoCorrect, I A

I am letting go.  There is no relationship between us any more.  We never really were meeting each other, overall, during the relationship.  And now the trust that I did have and wanted to buildbayou broke it. I’m sure you would say the same of me.  So the relationship is broken now, I am becoming freer and freer.  I am connecting with other people in meaningful wayssee trying to keep some kind of relationship with you is not serving me.  I guess you thought you were doing the best thing for both of us, and I guess it is turning out to be true.  I am no longer tied to you.  My hopes and dreams are untangling themselves from you.  I tried everything I could to reach out to you despite your silence to break the wall but as we talked about a long time ago the other person has to be willing to have their wall broken and you are not, so I release you.  There is no relationship since you have made sure of that with your almost complete silence.  I will look to others for what I need since you never really wanted to give it and you feel so differently about relating to yourself and others than me in certain big ways.  And you blamed ME so much of the time.  You think I am the one who needs to grow and change.  Yes I do…but my ex friend, so do you.  and I am no longer beating my head against the wall trying to please you or make you see I am worth sticking by and connecting with..  

If I Need To Let Go Let Me Let Go

I really have to accept that it is over and done.  He is not open to me any more or any further breakthroughs.  He said it.  He is done.  I have to realize he is not who I wanted him to be, and he is not wanting of what I thought I saw in him.  I have to move on to being myself separately and looking to new relationships and possibilities of relationships for the connections I truly need and want.  That’s all I can do.  I wanted to include him but he doesn’t want to be included.  God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  God help me let go and let God (you).  God please help me and please help him

Confessional…past history. Could be triggering. Please be careful if you need to.

I probably carry scars I am not fully aware of from my sexual experiences in high school…although I wasn’t raped, and outwardly consented to things, i was exploited, taken advantage of, and mistreated in so many ways.  And then there was my unhealthy friendship history, of either having no friends, ones who I wasn’t a big part of their lives, or in one case, who I clung to and depended on but she just treated me like shit for a year and a half.

Always searched for things in intimate relationships that were not given.  Betrayed by people who should’ve cared but I looked in the wrong places for the love affection and understanding I craved.  I never had a satisfying relationship with my father, we were not close, I had fear of him, and also he was not much there because my parents separated at age eight.  This must play some role in my abandonment issues and relationship turbulence and history.

and why did I allow myself to be so used and abused in high school? A big part was destroyed self esteem from feeling totally rejected and bullied socially.

i know there may be some who would wish to hear more detailed account instead of a general account.  May provide more details and in depth thought later, right now, I just finished earlier telling someone all kinds of things, yes in detail from my past, and don’t have the energy at this moment to go through it again.

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