There’s a hidden language I am trying to get to, it lives deep inside. It is of desire, heart, and soul…and of connection, intimacy, fulfillment of deep desires, healing. At times I catch glimpses of it,yet, it remains hidden and buried.
At times this language is about breaking and being penetrated…about surrender, and giving over, hurting me to heal me…and having someone know me, see me, love me. Breaking me and breaking me open…touching me with soft healing strokes in the most sensitive places. Opening wounds and mending them with your touch. you are taking me deeper, to places seemingly long lost.
Make me trust you. Let me trust you. Let me know I’m safe with you. That I am safe to let you do these things to me.
Break me sensually. Then hold me and comfort me while I shake….
Another fantasy. Sharing and opening ourselves to one another. Including our light and dark aspects, happiness and sadness…
Let me open up to you. Open up to me. Let me trust you and take me to levels of passion, vulnerability and surrender. Take me for all of me, and let me take you for all of you. If you want me to learn certain things to make you happy, I will do my best.
Let me be who I am, and respect me.
He knew how vulnerable I was with him, emotionally and mentally. He knew the power he had over me, and how he can send me into a tailspin. He deliberately pushed my buttons with the words he used, tearing back the bandages with which I bound my wounds and stripping away the walls I’d built for safety. I started to get agitated then, and I felt the tension build inside me. My breathing became shallow and my hands grasped at the nearest objects, nervously pinching and pulling on them. I managed to speak. “Now…now…I’m really stressed,” I got out. He gazed at me, calmly, but concerned. He gazed deeply into my eyes. I could see understanding in them. He then got up and came across the room to where I sat, huddled in the chair, and he pulled me against him. He cradled my head against his shoulder holding it with one hand, and he put his other arm protectively around me, his hand softly on my back. “It’s okay,” he whispered softly to me. “Settle down, settle down.”. He held me like this for a little bit. He stroked my hair as I trembled. As he continued to soothe me, I felt inside like my insides were on fire, were melting, like I would break into pieces. I let myself relax in his embrace and I instinctively held on to him tightly. I felt his hands slowly and gently feeling their way over my body. They violated me, sensing the deep aching I had inside me. I felt as his fingers pushed my thighs apart and found my secret place, and the wetness. He was stroking me, rubbing me, probing inside me. Deeper and deeper…until all I could do was crumble, completely surrender to him. I gave myself over, utterly helpless, broken. His.
I just posted this today on a website, am reposting it here: Musings on my deep desires romantically and sensually speaking with the right person: I think a relationship which is about trust and intimacy and consensual ly breaking each other’s walls down…and opening up to vulnerability…i want to be touched in a very deep and “sensually violating” way at times. Be taken, taken over, broken down and held
I am still trying to figure out how the BDSM stuff comes into play for me in my life, and what my “romantic” needs are. I would like to find someone who can break me in the way I discussed in my previous posts about breaking, well, the first two…the “what is my fascination with breaking” one is a good description of something a big part of me seems to want. I would like to find the right person to explore things with. I have not found him yet. he would have to be someone I had a deep level of intimacy and trust with.
What is the fixation with breaking? With the concept of someone “breaking” me? It’s a fetish and a fixation but what exactly is it? I think it’s someone being intimate enough with me to understand my vulnerabilities, and “cracking the shell” so to speak, piercing through it, breaking me down to who I really am and to a raw and vulnerable and open state. Taking control of me in one sense, in the sense of being somewhat forceful and guiding me in it. And the person being there for me and supporting me through it and reassuring me that they are there. I think all this is what I mean when I say “break me” for the most part and in a deep way. And this has a lot in common with some therapies and spiritual initiations, except it for me has an intimate, romantic, sexual, element as well…and love is present.
I need to be with someone who sees the good in me, and the negative side of me, and loves me, for me. Someone who is drawn to the happiness, joy and light within me…and also the pain and vulnerability, the aspects of me that are broken, the whole being inside…I want to be with someone who is willing to watch me break open and wants to touch me deep inside. I need to be with someone who knows I want to be there for them and respect their needs, and who will respect mine. Sometimes I get needy, sometimes I get insecure, I have fears that sometimes take over. That is not all there is to me, and I have strength inside…but sometimes, I break. And sometimes, I want to be able to break. Both because it is a real part of me, and…then there is the “positive breaking” too…but right now I’m talking about the fact that I need security and comfort for the broken parts. Of course, no one s perfect and can be there for me perfectly, or can just take on all my insecurities. But respect for my vulnerability.
Honestly…I am afraid that just when I thought maybe I was safe, that I am getting abandoned…that I have scared someone off…can I be me including the vulnerable part, can I trust, can I have what I need? Tears in my eyes…frustration…could be just irrational thought and fer. But if so I need to HEAR it from this person. Otherwise…