Posts tagged ‘walls’
I just posted this today on a website, am reposting it here: Musings on my deep desires romantically and sensually speaking with the right person: I think a relationship which is about trust and intimacy and consensual ly breaking each other’s walls down…and opening up to vulnerability…i want to be touched in a very deep and “sensually violating” way at times. Be taken, taken over, broken down and held
Yet another type of breaking. One which is in a sense destructive but it’s purpose is freedom and “violent rescue”. Which I believe is behind some self destructive acts and things that people often don’t understand. An impulse to destroy what in oneself is causing the torment and perpetual choking of the soul so to speak. Or to destroy the walls and barriers. This is “borderline breaking.” It stands at the threshold, the razor wire…turn one way it’s dangerous, another way, it’s radically freeing. Threshold of destruction and creation, perhaps
She had always been a sensitive person, and when people mistreated her, which happened often, it felt as if she was being torn apart, crushed, and that she became nothing. The fragile tendrils attempting to reach out for sunlight, her desires for affection, respect, and connection with her fellow humans, were constantly thwarted. People made fun of her for who she was, judged her and found her lacking, used her and exploited her, and rejected her when she developed a longing for someone. So, as she grew into an adult after a lifetime of this, having it constantly drilled into her head that there was something wrong with her and that she did not deserve what she wanted and needed most of all, she slowly built a shell to hide inside. To keep the world, and life itself, from touching her. It was a hard shell, she blocked the vulnerability that she had been taught to fear. For a time, it felt like a solution. She felt secure in there, calm and impenetrable, not hurtable.
But before long this security turned to oppression, she felt disconnected from the only thing that made her feel alive, that she desired most of all, because deep down she felt that it wasn’t safe to want it. She felt buried alive, and her obsession became obtaining freedom, at any cost.
All she wanted any more was for the shell to break, to shatter, to be rescued and truly touched, Inside, again.
There’s so much I want to say
In a hard shell
Touching in deep places
When the glass shatters and breaks
We will meet again
Good breaking allows us to go below the surface.
Crack the wall, the shell.
Allows us to see and feel
Ourselves, and, one another.
Allows me to touch places and be touched
think i would say Good breaking would be where there is break-through, basically….to healing or new or re contacted levels of Reality, the self, being, love, etc. bad breaking where yes where it just shatters and tortures you, and where there is no point. Borderline breaking would be where it is both bad and good at the same time, where you are put through an experience that shakes you up deeply or shatters you in a painful way and a wounding or devastating way but where at the same time you have a breakthrough in the process, or where there is “violent rescue” I might say like in my poem. Also I would extend this idea of three kinds of breaking to happen in some intimate relationships too.
good breaking in relationships…sometimes when you want to break down your walls and defenses with another person or for someone else to do it to you in a way that allows healing and vulnerability and shedding of pretenses and glass bubbles, etc. sometimes you want to be able to break down and let it out (the pain, tension, pent up feelings inside) and have someone hold you and be there for you, and, sometimes you want the life in you to flow through you un impeded and break the stultifying dams inside you. Sometimes you want your armour to be pierced and to lose your habitual self imprisoned in stagnant thought structures, to be destroyed so to speak but not truly in the way you might normally think of that word, tO be…broken…with love…
it is the good breaking in regards to relationships I wanted to talk about here…I think we all know what the bad breaking is in relationships. Where someone abuses you, sets out to destroy you (in the conventional sense of the word), to ruin everything you are…
borderline breaking is of course when someone deeply hurts and devastates you in a relationship but where there is still a connection which has intimacy and caring within it, despite its ambiguous nature.
Ok a couple of years ago I told a friend that I had come up with a theory of breaking…three types of breaking…
1) negative breaking… That is someone sets out to destroy you, to abuse you, to crucify you.
2) positive breaking… Someone breaks your walls down and opens you up, so you can feel again, so you can melt and dissolve and truly touch another person inside
3) borderline breaking… This is the razor’s edge between positive and negative, which is a dangerous but magical domain. This combines elements of both positive and negative, and it can be unclear whether this is “bad” or “good.” One can have very mixed feelings and this is the edge, the place where you are taken to a level you may be afraid of yet long for, or where you may hate someone for doing to you yet it may be the best thing anyone ever did to you, in one sense.