Being Held (a story I just wrote)

http://wattpad.com/story/10681138?utm_content=share_passage&utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link

An Urgent Attempt To Communicate Flashes of Insight and Struggling

There is much percolating inside my mind and heart…well I am trying to get closer to my heart, to touch it, I want to truly live. In my mind there are things percolating, a lot underneath, some can be seen at the surface, some only in glimpses. I am looking for Truth. I am looking for the core and the inner meaning. I am looking for way to heal and to be less afraid of fear and uncertainty, to embrace my difficulties and my brokenness as real parts of my experience I must contend with though not ultimately triumph and not the only parts of me but I cannot will them away or pretend they don’t exist. Embrace my vulnerability yet have hope for safety. See the ego for what it is too and see through. I don’t need to worry about what makes me adequate or inadequate to this world. Though this insecurity is there and a part of me, there is something deeper and more important. Getting to the heart of the matter and the meaning in me and in Life. I am part of something bigger, grander than myself or my limited knowledge. It includes my essence but I am not the end. I am a part. I must follow my path and search for truth, for the Real, both in me and beyond me. Our egos are not what really matters. Our selves matter. And I am not yet enough prepared or advanced to fully see truth. I can be grateful for the puzzle pieces that come my way. Be patient with the glimpses and seek to put them together to peel away what keeps my vision from the whole, but in it’s own time, and for now live in the moment, be as real as possible, yet have patience with the unreality, the confusions, the blocks to clear seeing that come my way, I surrender, I have to dance with them.

Lord of the Rings is inspiring my mind and lighting fires inside…it is giving me hope in dark places.

See Me (Trigger Warning…could cause anxiety) dissociation you could say

I it’s like there are different levels of me and one is the inner stuff, the best and most essential part, and it is every day most of the day blocked by a shell I guess has become habitual and it’s really hard to break or peel away. The inner me wants to be found, seen, and connected to another in a close way. Always I am trying. I have a fear of being lost and alone. I have a fear of this inner me not being seen and being unglued and scrambling in the dark. Understand me! It cries. Know me. Accept me. Hold me close

Sometimes it’s hard to transition between realities. I want to be integrated, whole, seamless, the parts of me not divided, no one getting left in the dark.

“Break Me Open” poem

Break Me Open

I wait here for the doors to open
I welcome the release
The crack in the wall is my freedom

Smashing of boundaries
Wide open spaces
Where artificial fixtures

Finally no longer stand.

Surrender.
The storm.
The hurricane.
Smashes the house

And the gates fall
The structure crumbles
And my world appears intact,
Again.

So blast it open.
Penetration!
Break
It
Down

Tear me apart
Hurt me!
Because my world is not real,
Is not real!

Break me,
So I can live.
Hold me down,
So I can be safe,
And not float away.

Trigger Warning: Thoughts from just before in a bad state, my mood has since changed.

Something i was just starting to write in a very down mood, before i received an email that made me feel much better…but i was hurting:

Why do I bother? Why do I? I guess I have to just live in this life until my time comes to go. I would consider suicide but I do not want to die. I want to live. And, I fear death, I couldn’t go through with it. Plus it would hurt people. So just put one foot in front of the other. Walk on the “boulevard of broken dreams.” Which is what is happening. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to do some damage. But I’m not the violent type. It makes me think about SI. Although I rarely have acted on that.

This is how I feel. If it will disturb you, don’t read.

I’m beyond frustrated with the stupid state of things and human beings. I have had enough. I will not be tossed around anymore by my needs for others or by others themselves. Anyone who does not accept me, care for me, and want me in their lives is free to walk away. All I need is people who are willing to stick it out with me. I deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Not to be disregarded and thrown out when inconvenient. I have had it with being vulnerable to abandonment and hurt. I will NOT let you break me. The kind of breaking I want…well that’s something entirely different and is only with someone I trust.

“No you can’t bring me down, cuz I’m already here.” Three Doors Down

Heart Breaks Open

When the heart breaks open…and the inner me comes through…normally hidden from view…

Really Frustrated And Tired Of It All

Kind of had it with being around. No one really can connect to me on the multiple levels and intimately. I don’t want to be around. People relate to one thing, or another, and ignore what they don’t like. I need to give up.

A Piece Of My History (Homeless And Mentally Ill In San Francisco)

shatteredandshining says:
July 16, 2013 at 8:10 pm
I was homeless at times during a seven year period I lived in San Francisco from age 18 to 25. I didn’t usually sleep outside, but slept in a multitude of places from crashing in places of people who I had just met that day and going to a different place every night or few nights, to staying in squat houses, to crashing in a friend’s truck and an office building. I did sleep in the outdoors a little bit, in the park a couple of times for week to two week periods, and on the actual streets just a few nights. One thing was that I was never physically alone (though mentally, I was). I always had fellow humans to stay with/crash with/ camp out with. One night, just one, I stayed on the beach dunes alone.

In the times when I wasn’t homeless I often lived at run down welfare hotels, called SRO’s (single room occupancy).

The whole time I lived there I think I may have only lived in regular apartments (rooms for rent with rotates) twice, for a month or two at a time on both occasions.

I indeed was mentally ill from when I was twenty one. I suffered recurring bad depression, severe anxiety, and some mild dissociation, oh, and my primary diagnosis, OCD.

I was helped by an organization started by a very compassionate woman, whose name was Mary Kate Connor, who was a survivor of clinical depression herself. The organization was called Caduceus Outreach Services. It was to help the homeless mentally ill and those who couldn’t get mental health services elsewhere. They had psychiatrists who volunteered their time. I was far from cured and still suffered but they were a degree of stability in a very unstable internal world.

I associated a lot of my time with people who were homeless, near homeless, mentally ill, drug addicted, etc. it was quite a world. I had numerous romantic relationships that never worked out.

When I was twenty five, in 1999, my time there was up, I felt it was time to move on, and I returned to New Jersey, from which I’d come, and where I had family. I’ve been there since, I have a stable living situation for more than a decade now. I still struggle with mental illness issues, but am a thousand times more stable than I was then.

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Self Doubt. Can Anyone Be And Stay Interested In Me.

Feeling self doubts and insecurities. If I am love able and attractive to people who I have that type of attraction to or not, if they get to know me. Is it possible for someone to be romantically interested in me who I feel the same and for them to also stay interested in me. I can only be me and follow my heart and my tendencies for self expression and communication. I know I over analyze everything and some would think I am TOO open and up front about myself. But this is how it makes sense to me and feels most comfortable. I don’t like playing social games and by nature I’m a verbal person. I have a lot of contradictions in me, always trying to find balance, integration, embracing wholeness. I can be too assertive and direct, or too shy, unsure, and withdrawn. I can be too vulnerable but to some I may not seem vulnerable enough. Always, in Betweens.